203
   

Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

 
 
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Sun 28 Feb, 2010 12:20 pm
@Victor Murphy,
There's probably a better answer for that Smile
Victor Murphy
 
  4  
Reply Sun 28 Feb, 2010 12:39 pm
Q: Why have there been less suicide bombings since Susan Boyle's rise to fame?
A: Because terrorists didn't know what a virgin looked like!
Victor Murphy
 
  1  
Reply Sun 28 Feb, 2010 12:39 pm
@Mame,
What is it?
0 Replies
 
Kara
 
  2  
Reply Sun 28 Feb, 2010 05:24 pm
@High Seas,
HS, I probably expanded the dolphin search to something more mysterious. Some of us need more excitement in our lives.

Thanks for the link. I'll check in with ehBeth
0 Replies
 
Kara
 
  1  
Reply Sun 28 Feb, 2010 05:25 pm
@Victor Murphy,
Victor, that is sooooo bad.
0 Replies
 
au1929
 
  3  
Reply Mon 1 Mar, 2010 09:30 am

INDIAN NAMED ONESTONE
There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so named because he had only one testicle.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone! After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone..."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story? "

And the moral is...You can't kill two birds with one stone.
Kara
 
  1  
Reply Mon 1 Mar, 2010 01:03 pm
@au1929,
au, that is totally BAD Smile
0 Replies
 
JLNobody
 
  2  
Reply Mon 1 Mar, 2010 02:55 pm
@Victor Murphy,
Shame on you, Victor. That is unspeakably cruel--and too funny for this thread.
lmur
 
  2  
Reply Tue 2 Mar, 2010 12:27 am
@JLNobody,
"Well, I'm off," baby buffalo said.

"OK," mom replied. "Bye, son."
msolga
 
  1  
Reply Tue 2 Mar, 2010 12:31 am
@lmur,
That was really bad, Imur. Very Happy
lmur
 
  6  
Reply Tue 2 Mar, 2010 11:26 pm
@msolga,
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.


msolga
 
  1  
Reply Wed 3 Mar, 2010 01:25 am
@lmur,
These are really, really bad, too, Imur!

Some of the worst I've heard! Very Happy

You are so good at this!

But this one is exceptional!:

Quote:
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.


Terrible!!! Very Happy

Bravo!
0 Replies
 
Kara
 
  2  
Reply Wed 3 Mar, 2010 08:01 am
@lmur,
<<Kerry man....Kerry is purty, Galway is flinty :-)) >>

"..The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran."

Oh My..
0 Replies
 
Seed
 
  2  
Reply Wed 3 Mar, 2010 10:18 am
this is an email I got the other day
Quote:
WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD

I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to **** yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..


Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.


Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.


Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, ****, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.


There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.


I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ........BIG mistake!!!!!


Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.


Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'


My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.


Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

au1929
 
  3  
Reply Wed 3 Mar, 2010 11:32 am
Red Tomatoes



>
> A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seemto get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll,
>
> she came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
>
>
> The woman asked the gentlemen,
>
> "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
>
>
> The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden, naked in my trench coat, and flash them.
>
> My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
>
>
> Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if
>
> it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
>
>
>
> One day the gentleman was passing by, and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
>
>
> No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
au1929
 
  2  
Reply Fri 5 Mar, 2010 05:45 pm
How bad is the economy?



It's so bad
women are having sex with men
because
they can't afford batteries!!!!
0 Replies
 
Kara
 
  1  
Reply Fri 5 Mar, 2010 08:08 pm
@au1929,
au, that is durably good (or bad.)
0 Replies
 
realjohnboy
 
  2  
Reply Fri 5 Mar, 2010 09:00 pm
@Seed,
I am reminded, Seed, of something (paraphrasing) Dyslexia wrote re those of us much older than you:
Never miss an opportunity to piss and never trust a fart.
edgarblythe
 
  3  
Reply Sun 7 Mar, 2010 01:42 pm
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'



edgarblythe
 
  3  
Reply Sun 7 Mar, 2010 01:42 pm

Clever Scam - taking advantage of older men

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc.. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's or Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say, 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant. If your memory is bad, write it down to remember this trick!

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at Dollar General and the Dollar Store and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Lowe's and Home Depot.
 

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