Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Frank Apisa posted this a year ago on another site. One of my favorites.

An old Italian guy lived alone in New Jersey .

He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,
Vinnie

Errata....I meant Jespah, not Phoenix

That's brilliant!

I agree, Tsar. A keeper...

>> Einstein> was born March 14, 1879. He would be 130 if > he> were alive today.>>> Few people> remember that the Nobel Prize winner > married his> cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first > marriage> dissolved in 1919. At the time he stated > that he> was attracted to Elsa because she was so > well> endowed.>> He> postulated that if you are attracted to > women> with large breasts, the attraction is even> stronger if there is a DNA> Connection.>> This came> to be known> as....>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Einstein's> Theory of "Relative Titty."

Ughh!

Well, Edgar, this is supposed to be a thread for really bad jokes. You may be the winnah...

If they wanted good jokes they would have asked for them.

A proctologist wants to write a prescription, reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out a thermometer.

He looks at it for a moment and says, "God dammit. Some asshole has my pen!"

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! Twas horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'... And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub,
pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was
told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to
go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!!!'

***

contrary to what you might have heard on the news, Bahstin did indeed get two feet of snow...

Good one, RP, but I like the 2-feet of snow better.

Why did the lobster blush----because the seaweed.

Moved to the right coast some time ago - packing now to go to Berlin Monday, will be posting intermittently. And yes, too bad about the name - was gone from this forum for couple of years, password and original e-mail changed, so had to get new name. Really good to see you, even with no license.

The great cosmic joke continues!

A Giraffe walks into a bar and says:

"High Balls are on me!"

HS, sounds like you are still on the move. I'd like to ask what you are doing in Germany but maybe you don't want me to know. Last I heard -- yonks ago -- you were doing coastal reconnaissance, which was interestingly mysterious.

Not I, Kara - I may have said I'm always on the lookout for stranded dolphins: they can overheat and die on very hot days before the Coast Guard gets to them. Btw, I distinctly recall you, also, love animals, and you may want to join ehBeth's series of threads: here's a link: http://able2know.org/topic/139617-14#post-3920619

Q--How do you make a hormone?
A--Don't pay her!