A psychiatrist's receptionist alerted the doctor: "A man is out there who claims he's invisible"
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him right now.
Poli-Talk:
"I'm not indecisive. Am I indecisive?" Jim Scheibel
"Congressmen are so damn dumb they could throw themselves on the ground and miss." Rep. James Traficant Jr.
"I think that's self-evident, but not true." Bill Clinton
What's the difference between a politician and a catfish? One is a wide-mouthed, bottom-feeding, slice sucker - and the other is a fish." Preston Manning
"I'm a politician, and as a politician, I have the prerogative to lie whenever I want." Charles Peacock
"Look! I'm trying to run for president! I can't sit here and debate free trade versus fair trade!" Pat Robertson
"I'm glad I'm not Brezhnev. Being the Russian leader in the Kremlin, you never know if someone's tape-recording what you say." Richard Nixon
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his
favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall,
he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs,
gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his
favorite chocolate chip cookies!
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking,
made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those!" she said, "they're for the funeral..."
***
@Region Philbis,
I struck a hare while driving home the other day. Saw it too late to stop in time but luckily didn’t run over it. It wasn’t dead - just stunned - so I gathered it up and brought it home. Rooting through the medicine cabinet, I found what I was looking for and administered the required dosage. The effect was instantaneous. The hare awoke, leapt from my arms and made its escape through the opened front door.
Here’s the strange thing. As it reached the front gate, it stopped, turned its head towards me and (I could have sworn) raised its front paw and shook it from side to side; continuing in this vein until it was out of sight.
Pretty powerful stuff that
Hair Restorer, with a Permanent Wave.
@lmur,
Go to your room, Imur. No supper for you tonight.
@Merry Andrew,
A man walks into a bar with his giraffe and the giraffe gets so drunk it passes out on the floor.
The bar tender says "You can't leave that lying there"
The man replies "Thats not a lion, it's a giraffe."
@AbbieMcKenley,
Clown car gets t-boned by a truck. Upon arrival of the EMTs they find 27 people in serious condition
@AbbieMcKenley,
You go to your room, too, Abbie. Come to think of it, you're grounded til further notice.
@Region Philbis,
Region Philbis wrote:
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his
favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall,
he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs,
gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his
favorite chocolate chip cookies!
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking,
made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those!" she said, "they're for the funeral..."
***
Ha ha ha ... so funny. What a poor old man!
So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which Murphy replies, "Well, if they fell forward they'd still be in the effing boat!"
@Kara,
These are supposed to be
BAD jokes, Kara. That one's priceless.
@Merry Andrew,
MA, I liked it, too. So baaaad.
A son asked his mother, 'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'
The mother looks at her son and replies, 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, 'Son, all household appliances come in white.'
@tsarstepan,
I'm gunna feel stupid if you're joking
It means that the doctor has bought the paintings, which will be worth more in the event of the guys death, therefore, you can assume that the doctor will allow or induce the artists death.
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit,
so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'
The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.........................
I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'
The officer walked away in tears, laughing...
***
@AbbieMcKenley,
AbbieMcKenley wrote:
I'm gunna feel stupid if you're joking
It means that the doctor has bought the paintings, which will be worth more in the event of the guys death, therefore, you can assume that the doctor will allow or induce the artists death.
Sorry.
I don't get
Kara's joke. The one above mine. I then took the liberty to place another joke in my thread out of simple posting economy. My bad for not being clear.
