@Francis,
I recall St. Peter saying to Jesus "Are you going to play golf or are you just going to screw around?"
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love
to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.. 'How
dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm
leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell
you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last
words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home,
and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and
defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told
me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made
for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll
put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was
doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw
them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had
for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you
don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear
just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the
expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the
same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my
understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me
with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
````````````````````````````````````````````
don't try this at home...
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway on New Year's.
He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
''I can't do that, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube.''
''Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station.''
''Can't do that either, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup.''
''Alright, we could get a blood sample.''
''Can't do that either, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die.''
''Fine then, just walk this white line.''
''Can't do that either, officer.''
''Why not?''
''Because I'm drunk.''
***
@Kara,
Kara !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <THUD>
@Region Philbis,
Quite apropos, RP, and love the punch line....
On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in Northern British Columbia, an RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.
"What's the matter?" asked the Policeman.
"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
"Can't."
"OK, Watch me and I will show you."
The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised.
The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the
father of the motorbike rider. It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who
recently was stranded ...."
@Kara,
Apart from "lubricated". Carburettors get flooded.
Quote:"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
I used that method for frosty windscreens (back in the day)
I used it for bee stings and cuts and scratches while working in rural Mexico.
@spendius,
Ah, spendius, but where is the dignity?
Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the casino?
Because he was on a roll.
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office with a banana up his nose and says, "What's the matter with me, Doc?"
The psychiatrist says, "You're not eating properly."
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side.
@Mame,
I hope you don't mind but I had to borrow your art joke and start a new thread with it at the Art Board of the IMDb forum.
Great joke!
@tsarstepan,
No problem
What has four legs and an arm?
A rottweiler.
What's the difference between ignorance, apathy, and ambivalence?
I don't know, and I don't care one way or the other.
How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. He holds he bulb while the world revolves around him.
