The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I don't know exactly...put me down for a 5."
Phil Mickelson contacted Tiger's wife to pick up tips on how to beat Tiger.
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.
What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2:30 in the morning? They went clubbing
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.
Ping just offered Elin an endorsement contract for her own set of drivers; to be named Elin Woods..."clubs you can beat Tiger with."
Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family--his new name?: Cheetah
Tiger was driving an Escalade, can he blame the accident on his caddy?
Hello Mister Woods this is the On Star operator we have detected that an angry person has put a golf club through your window, we are contacting Nike for a new club.
Who among us doesn't hear a car crash and immediately grab the closest golf club we can find??!!
Tiger's new movie: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.
Tiger Woods owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.
Poor choice; he should have gone with the driver.
There's this great guy down on his luck, who goes desperately to church to beg God for help. He walks in, falls on his knee and prays. "Please help me. I'm broke, my family needs help, I'm too old to work... please.. let me win the lottery." He goes away, doesn't win the lottery. The next week he's back in church. "Please help me. Please. I really, really need to win the lottery. I have no other option. I'm desperate. Please, please help me." He doesn't win. He can't hardly believe it. Here he has ultimate faith and he's being let down. Buddy goes back a third time, and this time he's wracked with grief and desperation. He prostrates himself on the ground and says "Why Lord? Why? Why won't you help me? I've been good my whole life. A good man. A good husband, a good father, a good citizen. I've done everything I can to deserve this, and now when the chips are down and my beautiful wife and I are eating cat food - and not much of it, let me tell you... now you abandon me. Please. Please... let me win the lottery."
Out of the blue, he is answered. As he lays there sobbing, wondering why he hasn't won the lottery, a voice comes from above. The voice, booming and resonant declares "For crying out loud man. Meet me halfway. BUY A TICKET."
@tsarstepan,
Bad as it is, I tell that one with some frequency.
@Merry Andrew,
Ya can't go wrong with the standards of comedy!
How do you get 4 old women to say "****"?
Get a 5th to say "bingo".
What do you call 4 Lebanese women in a sauna?
Gorillas in the mist.
Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver?
She was a woman.
Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex..
T he second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Three kinds -
A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asked his father.
''Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?''
The father, surprised, answers, ''Well son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her twenties, a womans breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty they are like onions.''
''Onions?''
''Yes, you see them and they make you cry!''
This infuriated the wife and daughter, so the daughter said.
''Mum how many kinds of willies are there?''
The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers.
''Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a christmas tree.''
''A christmas tree?''
''Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!''
@Mame,
Two Gorrillias walk into a bar, what do they say????
nothig bacause they're gorrillias
@bulldog-2010,
But I'll bet they spell better than you.
What's orange and looks like a parrot?
A carrot.
@tsarstepan,
That joke about the priest cutting out to play golf is one of my all-time favorites.
@Kara,
A priest calls his boss to say he's not going to work?
God, Jesus and St. Peter are playing golf.
St. Peter opens up with a hole in one.
Jesus then knocks the ball into the water trap.
He walks out on the water, looking for the ball, knocks the ball and makes the hole.
God is trying to tee off, but knocks the ball backwards down a hill. A rabbit hops out of the woods, grabs the ball, and goes running for it’s hole. A hawk swoops down grabs the rabbit and flies to 4000 ft..
From nowhere clouds form, lightning strikes the hawk,drops the rabbit, drops the ball, plunk, a hole in one.
St. Peter turns to Jesus and says, “Not funny playing golf with your father."
