Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Two old farts meet on the street. First one says, "How are you?"

"Great. Just got my new hearing aid. It is the best damn thing."

"What kind is it?"

"A quarter to three."

This one's even worse - guaranteed!


Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "god it's hot in here, and the other sausage says "OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"~

lol

Mame, that reminds me of a true story. I was telling this guy about a particular Far Side comic strip by Gary Larsen. In the comic a guy is backing out of his driveway and his dog is in the back seat with his head out the window. The dog in the car yells at the neighbor's dog, "Ha ha, Rusty, my owner is taking me to the hardware store and then I'm going to the vet to get tutored."

Now the guy I'm telling this joke to isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer and when I got to the part where the dog starts to talk his head snaps back in amazement and by the look in his eyes I could tell he was thinking, "Holy ****! A talking dog!"

Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?

The Chihuahua and the Leopard

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet Chihuahua along for company. One day, the Chihuahua starts chasing butterflies and before long the Chihuahua discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The Chihuahua thinks,"OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the Chihuahua exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. Wonder
if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That Chihuahua nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the Chihuahua saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the Chihuahua sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and just when they get close enough to hear, the Chihuahua says... "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

A guy walks into a tattoo parlor and inquires about having the images of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln etched upon his ass with some colorful ink.

The tattoo guy assures him he is up to the job and goes to work. As per request he puts the image of Washington on the guy's left buttock and Lincoln on the right.

After about two hours of determined work he stands up, rubs his hands together to ease the fatigue, and says, "All done. And I must say this is perhaps my best job ever. Back up to the mirror and have a look."

The guy gets up from the table and looks over his shoulder at the reflection of his ass in the mirror. The look on his face is one of great displeasure and he says, "They don't look anything like Washington or Lincoln. I am not paying for this job!"

They argue back and forth for awhile and finally, in exasperation, the tattoo artist says, "I am so confident in my work that I am willing to wager that the next customer who walks in through the door will recognize these people immediately and if they don't the job is free. However, if they do, you must pay me in full, plus 5% for the headache. Agreed?"

The guy agrees and they sit down and wait for a customer. Pretty soon one walks in and the tattoo artists says to the guy, "Would you do us a favor and identify these people."

At the same time the other guy stands up, turns arounds and drops his drawers.

The customer studies the guy's ass for a second and says, "Well, that's George Washington on the left and that is Abraham Lincoln on the right, and...isn't that George W. Bush in the middle?"

LOL - I think I know someone like that!

A giant grasshopper walks into a bar. The barman turns around, does a double take but says conversationally 'Did you know they named a drink after you?'

The grasshopper says 'What? Herman?'

A big white horse walks into a bar. The barman turns around, does a double take but says conversationally 'Did you know they named a scotch after you?'

The horse says 'What? Herman?'

Quasimodo walks into a bar yelling 'The bells! The bells!'

The barmans says 'Sorry sir, we only have Glenfiddich and Johnny Walker.'

Roy Rogers and his sidekick, Gabby Hayes were heading back to the ranch after their latest adventure in California, where Roy had rescued the beautiful kidnapped daughter of a Spanish grandee, recovered the gold that had been stolen from him and sorted out his dicey land grant, the loss of which would have ruined the Californio. Don Diego was so grateful that he had his bootmaker fashion a magnificent pair of riding boots which he presented to Roy. Roy tried them on, they were a perfect fit and were the most comfortable boots he had ever possessed. He packed them carefully into his saddle bag and he and Gabby set off on their way home.

That night, while they were asleep, a mountain lion crept into their camp. Sniffing around, he pawed at Roy's saddle bag until it opened. One after the other he pulled the boots out and with incredible savagery, he tore them both to shreds. All this was done very quietly, and when he was finished he melted silently into the darkness.

With the dawn came the realisation that their camp had been invaded. Shredded bits of leather were scattered here, there and everywhere. Roy's face was a mask of cold fury. Gabby was scared. Never had he seen his friend so angry. Examining the tracks, Roy grabbed his rifle and headed off on the animal's trail, with Gabby following on behind.

Eventually he came to a small clearing in front of a cave. There, lying asleep in the sun, was the mountain lion. Roy, who was known for being a real animal lover, did not hesitate. Cocking his rifle, he took aim and emptied it into the sleeping lion. Then he drew both his six guns and blasted the carcass until they too, were empty.

Hoping that his friend's fury was fully expended, Gabby quietly approached him from behind, tapped him on the shoulder and said -

"Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

yes, probably not as funny to folks outside north america

if indeed it's funny at all

Man ..."Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a Moth"

Doc ...."You should be talking to a Psychiatrist about this, why have you come here?"

Man..."Well, your big porch light was on, and I just couldn't resist"

lezzles is coming up fast on the outside rail. Might outdistance some of the other horrible jokesters yet.

I don't even get her joke, that's how bad it is!

Clue: Pardon me boys, is that the chattanooga choo choo?

groan! ok...

Philistines!

I've just got home from walking the dog, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? ' And a voice said 'You are.'

So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My dog's died.'' 'Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Ellpus, get out of the filing cabinet.''