Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

your joking

That was the punch line. You are supposed to supply the joke.

who cares im tired

How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just two, but how did they get in there?

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in jacuzzis.

What's the difference between yoghurt and California?

Yoghurt has cultures in it.

eeeeew

What's the difference between a plate of spaghetti and a girl from the North Shore?

A plate of spaghetti moves when you eat it.

Sorry for this incredibly dated local Sydney joke.

What's green and sings?

Elvis Parsley

Q: Two potatoes are walking down the street. One of them is a prostitute.
....How can you tell which one is the prostitute?


A: It's the one stamped "Idaho"...

Some sins can be forgiven, Region. But that one . . . I think you're in for eternal damnation.

that's all well n' good, MA, but what about my brother-in-law?
HE's the one who sent it to me...

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

Ann ... "Ann..."

"Is that you, Marvin?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course .. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh Marvin, you must be in Heaven!"




"Not exactly... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona..."

***

Hypnotist at the Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and over 300 seniors came to see the show.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat 'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch...

'The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

'****!' said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center ...

OUT FOR A BEER.

Doug was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede,
(100 leg bug),which came in a little white box to use
for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Jerry's place with me and have a beer?' Silence; there was no answer from his new Pet.

This bothered him a bit, waited a few minutes and then asked him again, 'How about going to the bar and having a beer with me?' Again, there was no answer, nothing but silence came from his new friend and pet.

So, he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the
situation.He decided to ask him one more time. This time,putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Jerry's place and have a beer with me?


(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS)



A little voice came out of the box:

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my ******* shoes on!

Or "I'm powdering my 99 whatsits."

Fellow went into a bar and was sitting there, sipping a cold one and munching on the peanuts laid out on the counter when he heard a tiny, tinny voice say, "That's a really nice tie you're wearing. Outstanding."

The man looked around. No one there.

The voice came again: "And I love the shoes. Those must be Bostonians."

The man waved the bar-tender over. "Hey, listen," he said, "I've 0nly had one drink so I know I'm not smashed. But maybe I'm going nuts. I keep hearing these little voices saying nice things to me."

The barman said: "Oh, that's the peanuts. They're complimentary."

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.

Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.

The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head."

One of the funnier I have heard, let me see if I can repeat it properly...

One day at the mill I worked at, Bill Clinton came by on a tour. Upon seeing my coworker Morton, he came over and gave him a hug and they chatted for a bit. Awhile later, George W. Bush came through our Mill and again, upon seeing Morton came over and gave him a vigorous handshake and the laughed for a bit. Sometime after that, Obama came through and once again, he gave Morton a hug and they spoke at length. Well, Rather impressed, I said to him "Well, at least you don't know the Pope!" Morton said "Oh sure, we play golf once in awhile." I was rather disbelieving so I bet him that he didn't.

We gathered our stuff and took some vacation time and went to the Vatican. During an audience with his Holiness, Morton excused himself and a few minutes later I see him with the Pope and they were shaking hands and talking. Just then, I got tapped on the shoulder and I turn around to see 2 Chinese tourists and they ask "Hey, who is that talking with Morton?"

I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.