Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

that's a good "bad" joke kara

panzade, I love puns....revealing my low-brow taste, perhaps

Kara, did you tell that one back when you wuz a country & western singer?

It'd be a right fine way of innerducin' this ditty, whenever they's a ho down.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6dx8AfTmQk

Mechanisation run amok.

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the men’s toilet.

A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the men’s room. A little later, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The barman goes into the toilet to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts."

The barman opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Math Conversions...

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel & hitting the ground = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yds at 1 nautical mile/hr = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5' in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod

8. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurt

10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms

26. 4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at = 1 IV League

***

Following the death of his wife, Farmer Tom was advised to put a Death Notice in the local newspaper. He rang the organ in question and immediately asked the question dearest to his heart. “How much did it cost?” A fiver per word, he was told. But, for that week only, the paper was running a special offer " five words for the price of two. The next day, his late wife’s Notice appeared as follows.

“Mary dead. Hay For Sale.”

You got that one wrong, Boss . . . that should be one paradigm.

I know i'm gonna hate myself for this, but . . .

Do you know what a "rodeo f*ck" is?

You get down on your hands and knees, slip it into your wife, and then say: "You know, you're almost as tight as your sister." Then you try to hold on for eight seconds.

Oldie but a goodie Set. You are bad.

Hmmm - only works in Australia. Explanation follows.

To Aussie farmers in northwest New South Wales are chatting over a fence. One says "I'm driving down to the Royal Easter Show next week."

"Yeah? What route are you taking?"

"Thought I'd take the wife. After all she stuck with me through the drought."



Explanation:
In australian slang 'root' means screw/f*ck/bonk/grownup sleep

We always find it most amusing when Americans root for their football team.

Did I already tell you about the penguin entering the bar and asking the bartender if he had seen his father?

(Yeah, I think I already told you.)

Anyway: The bartender asked the penguin what his father looks like.

This penguin is driving through the desert in a Caddy, with the AC up all the way, naturally, when the beast conks out on him--luckily, just as he is driving into a city. He arranges to have the car towed, talks to the mechanic, and then goes looking for some way to cool off. Luckily, he finds an ice cream parlor nearby, and orders a big dish of vanilla ice cream. Of course, he has no thumbs, so he can't use a spoon, so he just goes face down in the dish, and gets ice cream all over his face. Then he toddles back to the garage, where the mechanic says:

Good news . . . it looks like you just blew a seal.

Hey! Lighten up, i was just eating ice cream . . . no really, i was!

'Bruno' aka Borat aka Ali G aka Sacher Baron-Cohen is in Australia promoting the latest film.

Bruno is a gay Austrian fashionista and cable tv personality.

On our equivalent of Jay Leno, host Rove asked him to sum himself up in on line.

"I'm like cocaine; I'm white, I'm addictive, and men leave the bathroom with me all over their faces."

Two birds were sitting on a perch.

One looks at the other and asks, "do you smell fish?"

Andy Rooney...Why I value women over 40 Regards,






In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks
about
women over 40:


60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few
reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask,
'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around
whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually
more interesting.
Women over 40 are dignified... They seldom have a screaming match with
you
at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if
you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can
get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what
it's like to be unappreciated.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a
woman over 40.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than
her
younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you
are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder
where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately,
it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman
over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of
himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for
free? here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against
marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig
just to get a little sausage!

Did I already tell you of the two flies sitting on a cow patty where one farts and the other gripes "Do you MIND; I'm TRYING to eat?" ?

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do.." Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers." "Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said. "Lord-it's 2009 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?" Ole says........"How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?

Paddy & Mick worked together in the undergarment factory and were both laid off.

So off they went to the unemployment office together.
When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties and tongs".

The clerk looked up panty stitcher on his computer and finding it classified as unskilled labour, and gave him $80.00 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in, and when asked his occupation, replied, "Diesel Fitter". Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160.00 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained "Panty Stitchers are unskilled and Diesel Fitter's are skilled labour".

What skill? Yelled Paddy." I sew da elastic on da panties and tongs; Mick puts 'em over his head and says:

"Yep, diesel fitter .........."

FARMER.

A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK
GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT. "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE
THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS.

THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. THE OLD FARMER
UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN !"