Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

GOLF PANTIES

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.

Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency,
here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money to be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb..... Tidy yerself up a bit!’

2 Replies

@edgarblythe,

I'll be telling that one to at least a couple of people tonight Edgar.
I'll have to try really hard t get all th accents right though.
Thanks for posting it

0 Replies

LOL, Edgar. That's a grand one for sure.

0 Replies

@edgarblythe,

ahhhh....that's good stuff edgar Very Happy

1 Reply

@panzade,

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the
window of the biggest
house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to
apologize and see how much
your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the
damage that was done:
glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on
its side near the broken
window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm
a g enie, and I've
been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've
released me, I'm allowed to
grant three wishes. I'll Give you each one wish, but if you don't mind,
I'll keep the last one
for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, "I'd like a
million dollars a year for! the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a
long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like
to own a gorgeous home
complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe
from fire,burglary and
natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

" Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in more than a
thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and
all those houses.. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
right. Considering our good
fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.

"I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs
where they spent the rest
of the afternoon enjoying each other.

After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie looked directly into
her eyes and asked,
"How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you
still believe in genies?"

1 Reply

:-D Shaggies are the BEST!

0 Replies

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0609092prank1.html

Quote:

Now...Go Break The Windows
Crank caller wreaks havoc on Arkansas hotel, duping employees, guests

JUNE 9--A telephone prankster posing as a sprinkler company employee caused havoc Saturday morning at an Arkansas Holiday Inn when he convinced an employee to set off the hotel's fire alarm, smash windows, shut down electricity, and break a sprinkler head that flooded the building lobby. The bizarre incident is detailed in a report prepared by the Conway Police Department, which, as seen below, photographed the aftermath of the June 6 incident. According to police, Holiday Inn employee Christina Bergmann was at the front desk early Saturday when a male caller "identified himself as an employee of Grennel Fire Sprinkler service." The man told Bergmann that there was a problem with the hotel's fire sprinklers and that she "needed to pull the fire alarm to reset them," cops reported. "Bergmann proceeded to pull the fire alarm at this point, causing the audible alarm." Bergmann, aided by a hotel guest, would subsequently follow a series of directions from the caller that would result in about $50,000 in damages to the hotel's windows, carpets and electrical system. Hotel guests, who were evacuated during the incident, were allowed back into the Holiday Inn after police and fire officials determined that the caller was an imposter. Since a similar prank call was made to a Holiday Inn in Little Rock, Conway cops alerted fellow Arkansas law enforcement officials that "more of these calls could be coming in," according to the police report. Rusty Brown, the Holiday Inn guest who helped Bergmann follow the prankster's instructions, told TSG he was "an innocent bystander and got involved in domestic terrorism." Bown, 36, remarked that there was "absolute panic in that hotel," adding that, "all I did was make it worse. I'm not proud of breaking windows. It is very disheartening." (4 pages)

0 Replies

Anybody like the comedy The Big Bang Theory on CBS?

In tonight's episode one of the characters told this joke:

"Every Friday after work, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says,

"I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool, man. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."

The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know... she might say yes."

The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how likely is THAT to happen?"

2 Replies

I watch that show.

1 Reply

@panzade,

That's a good one. I have a friend who I have a sort of joke competition with - and he's an 'intellectual' - he'll appreciate this one.

0 Replies

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of no where, parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00

HAMBURGER: $2.25

CHEESEBURGER: $2.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50

HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to the ole biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The ole biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am."

The ole' biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger."

2 Replies

@edgarblythe,

CAJUN PREGNANCY

Way down in Louisiana , Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey, Boudreaux, you just had you-sef a son! Ain't dat grand!"

Boudreaux got excited by dis, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux, you got you-sef a daughter too! She a pretty lil ting."

Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Boudreaux, you just had you-sef another boy!"

When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we run out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere Tree-in-One Oil?"

His wife said, "Yeah, I do!"

Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-Forty."

0 Replies

Subject: Travel Security Alerts

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent
terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security
level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels
may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."
Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when
tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been
re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last
time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was
during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised
its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two
higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The
rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's
white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's
military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly
and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing.." Two more
levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change
Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They
also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and
the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out
of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready
to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms
so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old
Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all
of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa"
to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the airforce
being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes
and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New
Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut,
I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of
invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a
strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No
worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation
levels remain,
"Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this
weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a
situation yet that has warranted the use of the final
escalation level.

3 Replies

@dadpad,

withering , scathing....hilarity Laughing

0 Replies

@edgarblythe,

Me too. Great joke Razz

1 Reply

@nimh,

You watch Big Bang Theory nimh?

1 Reply

@panzade,

That's good, panzade...I might catch out a few folks who always laugh too quickly and then realize they don't really get the joke.

0 Replies

@edgarblythe,

HAHAHAHAHA

0 Replies

@dadpad,

Great satire, dadpad...

0 Replies

@verbivore,

I like this very much.

verbivore wrote:

Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the
window of the biggest
house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to
apologize and see how much
your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the
damage that was done:
glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on
its side near the broken
window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm
a g enie, and I've
been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've
released me, I'm allowed to
grant three wishes. I'll Give you each one wish, but if you don't mind,
I'll keep the last one
for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted
out, "I'd like a
million dollars a year for! the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a
long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like
to own a gorgeous home
complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe
from fire,burglary and
natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

" Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in more than a
thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and
all those houses.. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
right. Considering our good
fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.

"I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs
where they spent the rest
of the afternoon enjoying each other.

After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie looked directly into
her eyes and asked,
"How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you
still believe in genies?"

0 Replies

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