Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

This is a familiar joke to us jokers, but it's good enough to stand hearing again:

I was driving through the country one day, when I happened to
see a pig with a wooden leg. Since one seldom sees a pig with a
wooden leg, my curiosity was aroused. So I stopped at the farm
house and asked the man working in the yard if he knew how the
pig happened to get a wooden leg.

"Yes sir," he said, "that's my pig and two years ago our house
caught on fire and that pig came in the house in the middle of the
night, upset our bed and woke us up and saved our lives."

"Amazing," I said.

"Then last year," he continued, "my 5-year-old fell down a well
and that pig ran and got a rope and dropped one end down the
well, so my boy could hang on until we could save him."

"That's truly astounding," I said, "but this still doesn't explain why
He has a wooden leg."

"Mister," the farmer replied, "when you have an animal that means
that much to you, you don't eat him all at once!"

Husband Wanted:

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married again. So she put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
'You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?' the widow said. 'Just look at you - you have no legs!' The old gentleman smile! d, 'The refore, I cannot run around on you!' 'You don't have any arms either!' she snorted. Again, the old man smiled, 'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in bed??' The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'I rang the doorbell, didn't I?'

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and

orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a

corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks

the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your

grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man,

she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are

confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop

of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it

on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker

still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and

says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders

looks him square in the eyes and says...................

"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk"

Last Day on the Job
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "**** him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

Why is toilet paper like Star Trek?
Because it flies around Uranus wiping out Klingons.

Good one lezzles.

A farmer is pushing a barrow of cow dung past the mental assylum when an inmate leans over the fence and says, 'What are you going to do with that?'

The farmer says 'I'm going to put it on my strawberries.'

'Sheeit!' says the inmate, 'I put cream on mine and I'm the one they locked up.'

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....

He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f*****g blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

What has four legs and two arms?























































A chair.

What kind of bees make milk?



















































Boobies.

A little boy goes up to a police office and says, "I can't find my daddy!"

The cop asks, "what's he like?"

The boy replies, "scotch and women with big titties."

A lady of mature years, living on her own, decided that keeping her house and garden in good order was becoming too much for her. She put an ad in the local newspaper for a handyman. After a while her phone rang and a male's voice announced he was applying for the job.

"Okay," she said "can you mend fences?"

"Nope!" was the answer.

"Can you paint walls?"

"Nope!"

"Can you dig the garden?"

"Nope!"

"Can you move furniture?"

"Nope!"

By now she was becoming a bit peeved and sarcasm took over -

"And I suppose you'll tell me you can't hammer a nail in straight!"

"That's right, ma'am!"

Exasperated, she exploded -

"Well, what makes you think you're so handy?"

"I live next door."

BAD RIDDLE
Q: Why are New Yorkers always depressed?

A: The light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey...

Re: BAD RIDDLE




Shame on you, Region. These are supposed to be bad jokes.

A man comes home to find his girl friend in tears and packing up her clothes.

He asks, "Whats going on honey?"

She says, "I'm leaving, I just found out you're a pedophile."




He says. "Wow, that's a mighty big word for a 9 year old."

Re: BAD RIDDLE

it sneaks in on a technicality if it offends any jerseyites...

rabbit goes into a bar and orders a toasted cheese sandwich

then a lettuce ginger and ham sandwich, toasted again

then another toasted cheese and onion

finally just plain toast, with balsamic dressing.


later he goes home to mrs rabbit and complains of feeling ill

"whats the matter dear?" she says

"dunno"

"think I got a touch of mixing me toasties"

(mixemetosis)

The Maid asked her employer for a raise in pay.

As you'd expect, the lady of the house was concerned about this and asked:

"Now Maria, why do you think you deserve an increase?"

Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I feel I should have an increase.

Firstly, I iron better than you do."

Lady of the house: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "The Master said so."

Lady of the house: "Oh."

Maria: "Secondly, I am a better cook than you."

Lady of the house: "Nonsense, whoever said you were a better cook than I am?"

Maria: "The Master did."

Lady of the house: "Oh."

Maria: "And my third reason is that I am better in bed than you are."

Lady of the house (very agitated now): "Did the Master tell you that
too...?"

Maria: "No Madam..the gardener did."

A man and his wife were doing the weekly shopping. They grabbed a trolley and the entrance to the shopping centre and started ambling along past the various shops. They were astounded at the rising prices of just about everything. As they passed the liquor store the husband wheeled the trolley towards a beer display at the door.

"What are you doing?" asked the wife.

"Getting some beer." replied the husband "See! It's on special, only $30 a slab!"

"Forget it!" said the wife "We just can't afford it."

So, on their way they went, finishing up at the supermarket. They had got all their grocery needs, but passing the Health and Beauty section the wife stopped and picked a jar of night replenishing cream from the shelf and placed that in the trolley.

"That's $60!" said the husband "Put it back!"

"No!" said the wife "I need it. It makes me look pretty."

"So does the beer." said the husband "And it's only half the price!"

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:





'I outlived the bitches.'