Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

It's all in the telling.

John, take off my dress, take off my bra, take off my panties...

Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Three. One to set fire to the giraffe and two to fill the bath full of clocks.

Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?





A: A carrot.

Q: What does an athiest shout during sex?

A: Oh my Darwin!

Q. What´s invisible and smells like carrots?

A. Bunny farts.

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!

1. Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

2. Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

3. Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

4. Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

5. Customer: Can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

6. And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard,
Bob. Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Really bad jokes
Q: What did the one elephant say to the other elephant when he saw a naked man walking across the road?

A: Look, there is a naked man walking across the road

An elderly Polish man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite pierogi with fried onions wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite pierogi.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogi was already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

'Back off!' she said. 'Those are for the funeral.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 60?
--Your Honor.

father to son : "when i was your age i started working in a store , and five years later i owned the store" .

son : "unfortunately they now have cash registers" .

The Texas cowboy

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

'Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride away. The bartender wandered out of the bar and yelled to him, "Say partner, before you go ... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

"This solves the problem of evolution vs creation".

A little girl asked her father, 'How did the human race appear?'

The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.

The mother answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her father and said, 'Dad how is it
possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Mom
said they developed from monkeys?'

The father answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my
side of the family and your mother told you about hers.'

GWB steps of his plane somewhere and walks past a guy with long white beard and wood staff. He looks like Moses he thinks.

So he goes over and says Hi are you Moses?

the man blanks him out completely, wont look at him and says nothing.

I'm sure you are Moses, you are Moses aren't you?

Again the man ignores him.

GWB walks on surrounded by secret service people and says

you know I'm sure that guy was Moses. Find out about him and find out why he wouldnt speak.

Next day chief of security says

Well sir he was moses. But he wouldn't speak because he said last time he spoke to a bush he spent 40 years in the desert and led his people to country with no oil.

A husband and wife came in for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

He thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

good one
Bravo...very good, Tai Chi

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS


One day God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have some Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested.'


So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have some Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'


Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have some Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'


Then He went to the French and said, 'I have some commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'


Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have some Commandments.'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his Customer,
"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a five dollar note in one hand and two two dollar coins in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the two two dollar coins and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take two two dollar coins instead of five dollar note?"

The boy licked his cone and replied,

"Because the day I take the five dollar note, the game is over.