Jewish Parrots
A woman goes to her rabbi with a serious problem.
Her two female parrots
have picked up a bad habit. Any time she has
visitors, the two parrots
embarrass her by saying, in unison, "Hi ! We're
hookers. Want to have some fun?"
To her surprise, the rabbi breaks into a smile,
explaining that he has two
male parrots which he has trained to pray and
who've become very observant, spending
much of the day praying in their cage.
He's confident that if the woman brings her two
parrots over to his house,
his two parrots will exert such a positive influence
that her birds will turn into model parrots.
The next day the woman drives over to the rabbi's
house and brings her two
parrots into his home. As she looks around, she
notices a large cage with
two parrots, each wearing a little kippah and tiny
tallis (prayer shawl)
and each holding a miniature prayer book while they
rock back and forth in prayer.
Sure enough, as soon as she places her female
parrots in the cage, they
shout out to their male counterparts: "Hi! We're
hookers.Want to have some fun ?"
One of the rabbi's parrots immediately turns to the
other, squawking:
"Moishe, put the book down. Our prayers have
been answered!"
Irish Diet
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a full day, and repeat
this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have
lost at least 5 pounds.'
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost
nearly 60 POUNDS!
'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my
instructions?'
The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were
going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
'From hunger, you mean?'
'No, from f**kin' skippin', the Irishman said
hamburger wrote:from the isle and province of newfoundland and labrador :
Quote:Newfie Waiter: Would you like to try the beef tongue?
Mainlander: No, I do not eat anything that comes from an animal's mouth.
Newfie Waiter: Would you like an omelette instead?
NEWFIE JOKE!!!!
Q. Why do the newfies support Quebec's secession from Canada?
A. They think it will make the trip to Vancouver shorter.
That's from Centraal Beheer insurances from the town of Apeldoorn - their commercials are a legend (in the Netherlands, I mean). Their key line that would appear at the end of every commercial was "Even Apeldoorn bellen" - roughly translated, "gotta call Apeldoorn".
This one was one of the very first:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_OR5OW44YE&NR=1
And here's some good other examples:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAWXqEv5uGM&feature=related
http://youtube.com/watch?v=DTZGz59ufss
http://youtube.com/watch?v=zUR4FlWKsAY&feature=related
And this one isnt as good, but it does say a lot about the image dutch people have of american prisons.. :wink: (opening sentence: "ah, you must be the dutch guy").
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=grB2nA09NPM&feature=related
All good stuff, hingehead.
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny.
nimh wrote:Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny.
Lord don't make me tell you Austen Tayshus' answer to that question....
Even this one's bad enough:
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sod her, let her cook in the dark.
Which reminds me ...
Q. How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Just two but you need a big light bulb.
Q. How many mosquitoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Just two but how did they get in there?.
Q. How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. None. Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in jacuzzis.
Dammit! You just made me buy a new song....
attributed to canada's prime minister lester pearson :
some economists were briefing him on canada's economic outlook , usually ending with : " ... on the one hand , but on the other hand ... " .
finally he smiled and said : " i guess what we need are some one-handed economists ! " .
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
'What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!
''I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles.
'With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says. 'You idiot! .You're sitting on the mop bucket!'
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Marxists know that the revolution is already present in the bulb.
-0-
How many dull and boring people does it take to scre in a light bulb?
One.
old german joke
a young woman with two children lost her husband .
about a year later she registers the birth of a child with the local registrar .
a year later she registers the birth of another child with the registrar .
the registrar looks up from the register and remarks : "i see that your husband has been dead for two years " ; "oh sure , but i'm very much alive " , she replies .
Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. A fish.
Only a few people ever laugh at this one:
Q: What's the most dangerous animal in the rain forest?
A: A duck with a flame thrower.
DrewDad wrote:Only a few people ever laugh at this one:
Q: What's the most dangerous animal in the rain forest?
A: A duck with a flame thrower.
I guess I'm one of the select few. I cracked up.
Merry Andrew wrote:DrewDad wrote:Only a few people ever laugh at this one:
Q: What's the most dangerous animal in the rain forest?
A: A duck with a flame thrower.
I guess I'm one of the select few. I cracked up.
Aha! A fellow traveller that sees the absurdities of life....
A rich old man has a young beautiful wife and a handsome servant.. now one day this old man and his beautiful woman goes out. Quite a few minutes later the beautiful lady comes back and john - the exceptionally handsome servant opens the door. She looks at him straight in the eye and tells him " john follow me" and goes to her bedroom. and then..
"john take off that shirt.. and off with that pants, take that boots off and now the socks.." John obediently follows her instructions. "Now, john take that undergarments off!!!" ....
"never ever should i see you wearing my clothes again!! and she walks out..
