Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

I have two unwritten rules that I live my life by.

They are:

1.
2.

A frog got his DNA tested.

Turns out he's part Irish, part British, and a tad Pole.

Common ground between the last bus and Donald Trump: "Both narrowly missed".

A truck loaded with Vicks Vaporub overturned on the highway.

Amazingly, there was no congestion for 8 hours.

I drove by Legoland today.

People were lined up for blocks.

My bank called me recently to let me know that I had an outstanding balance.

"Thanks", I said. "I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone.

That was nice of them.

I'm going to make a bold prediction.

prediction

Marjorie Taylor Green, the manager of her gym, and a tantric sex guru were eating breakfast one winter morning in her Washington, DC residence while listening to the radio, they heard the announcer say, "We are going to have up to half an inch of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Marjorie went out and moved her car.

A week later while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting some snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so snowplow can get through."

Marjorie went out and moved her car again cursing that this never happened in Georgia.

The next week they were having breakfast again, when the radio announcer said "We are expecting one to two inches of snow today. You must park...........", then the electric power went out.

Marjorie was upset,"Geez, now I don't know what to do."

The gym manager said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

A woman on the bus asked me.

'Do you have any pets'?

I said 'A goldfish'.

She said 'any hobbies'?

I replied 'well he likes swimming!'

I call my baby goat 'Humphrey Bogart' because of his lopsided head. Ears looking askew, kid.

Good one

Just found this in my Facebook saved posts - from EhBeth!

Ordering a Pizza in 2024
CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have.
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How the hell do you know that?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER: WHAT THE HECK?
GOOGLE: I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...

That's funny - partly because it sounds so gosh darn plausible.

I find it hysterically funny....................but scary as hell!

Hey you.

Just love that avatar.

Hope all is good.

Not sure if I posted this before, but Wilso's post brought it to mind.

A telephone to Room Service somewhere exotic:

TENJEWBEDDYMOOG

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G : "You're very welcome."

Netanyahu is the undisputed Palestinian heavyweight boxing champion.

Give him a Palestinian and he'll stick them in a heavy metal box and drop them in the harbour.