Two men dressed in pilot uniforms walked up the aisle of a plane.
Both were wearing dark glasses, one using a guide dog and the other tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spread through the cabin, but the men entered the cockpit, the door closed, and the engines started up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this was just a practical joke. None was forthcoming.
The plane moved faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realized they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.
Just as it began to look as though the plane would plow straight into the water screams filled the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifted smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laughed a little sheepishly, and soon all retreated into their magazines and books.
Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the pilots turned to the other and
said, “You know, Bob, one of these days they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die.”
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?"
And I told him, "No, it doesn't."
My friend is pretty big for a microbiologist
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening when the woman felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed downward again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then he slid his hand up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”
“I found the remote,” he said.
I sleep naked.
The people on this flight are just going to have to get used to it.
Doctor: I want to talk to you about your X-Ray.......
Girl: But I've never had a boyfriend called Ray????
Doctor: And we need a brain scan
A man walks into a bar and breaks his nose.
It was an iron bar.
Incredibly, last year, over 350m people worldwide tripped and fell on their way home from the pub.
That number includes fallen women, I suppose.
What do you call LSD that has become cynical?
Ly-acerbic acid diethylamide