209
   

Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

 
 
Wilso
 
  3  
Reply Tue 22 Aug, 2023 07:12 am
Another wooden ball!!!

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside??

I have like 12 already…
Walter Hinteler
 
  2  
Reply Tue 22 Aug, 2023 07:19 am
@Wilso,
All those filled with footballs were sent to Spain.
roger
 
  2  
Reply Tue 22 Aug, 2023 03:06 pm
@Walter Hinteler,
In Spain, they think footballs are round.
0 Replies
 
lmur
 
  2  
Reply Wed 23 Aug, 2023 02:21 pm
Tried having sex with a girl last week who told me it was her first time. Suddenly she started laughing uncontrollably which was very off-putting. Apparently my screwed-up features reminded her of a clown. I'm telling you, it was virgin on the ridiculous.
0 Replies
 
Wilso
 
  3  
Reply Fri 25 Aug, 2023 12:04 am
Moving to Canada.

August 12
We moved into our new house in Canada. I'm so excited. It's so nice. The mountains are beautiful. I cannot wait to see them covered with the snow.

October 14
Canada. It is the most beautiful country in the world. Leaves turned all colors and shades of yellow and orange. I drove across country and saw deer. They are so graceful. These are the most beautiful animals in the world. This must be the paradise. I love Canada.

November 11
Remembrance Day (Canada's national holiday). Deer hunting will begin soon. I cannot imagine how someone could kill such a beautiful animal. I hope that it will snow soon. It's so beautiful.

December 2
Tonight we got the first snow. I got up and saw all covered with white blanket. It looks like a beautiful postcard. We went outside; cleaned up the stairs and driveway, then had a snowball fight (I won). When snow plow passed by we had to re-clean the gate. What a great country.
I love Canada.

December 12
Tonight, snow again. Again snow plow passed by and buried gate. Here is so beautiful.

December 19
Tonight, snow again. I could not get the car out to go to work. Here is really wonderful, just a little tired of shoveling. Again the f******snow plow.

December 22

This white **** was falling the whole last night. I got blisters from shoveling and my back aches. This monkey with a snow plow is waiting around the corner for me to clean up at the gate. What an asshole.

December 25

Merry shitty f****** Christmas. Again crappy snow. If I ever get my hands on the asshole that drives a snow plow, I'll kill him.
Motherf*****! Why don’t they sprinkle more salt on the road so it dissolves faster.

December 27,
Tonight, snow again. I have not been out for three days except when I clean the snow after the snow plow passes. I cannot go anywhere, the car got stuck in the mountains, the snow is in front of the gate and it's cold. They say that tonight will get another 30 cm of that ****.

December 28,
The weather prognosis was bad.
It fell half a meter. At this rate it won’t melt until summer. The snow plow is stuck and that asshole came to me to ask for a shovel. I told him that I already broke six shovels cleaning that **** from the doorsteps as he tossed it, and I almost broke the shovel on his head.

January 4,
I am finally out of the house. I went to the store to buy some food and when I returned the car I hit the deer. $ 3,000 damage to the car. That f ****** beast should be killed. They're everywhere. Why were they not killed by hunters in autumn ...

May 3,
I drove the car to the mechanic. It's amazing how rusty it is from the f’ing salt sprinkled everywhere.

May 10,
I'm moving to Arizona. I can’t imagine why would a normal person want to live in f’ing Canada.
Tai Chi
 
  3  
Reply Sat 26 Aug, 2023 11:23 am
@Wilso,
Sounds about right Razz
0 Replies
 
Frank Apisa
 
  3  
Reply Sat 26 Aug, 2023 11:56 am
Tenjewberrymuds!

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

G: "What?"

RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

G: "I don't think so."

RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bodder?"

G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Excuse me?"

RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"

G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say."

RS: "Tenjewberrymuds." G : "You're very welcome."
0 Replies
 
Wilso
 
  3  
Reply Mon 28 Aug, 2023 10:40 pm
LIFE HACK: You can easily convert your sofa to a sofa-bed....by forgetting your wife's birthday.
0 Replies
 
Builder
 
  6  
Reply Tue 29 Aug, 2023 06:11 pm
90% of bald people still own a comb.
They just can't part with it....
0 Replies
 
Wilso
 
  5  
Reply Fri 1 Sep, 2023 07:51 pm
My neighbor Judy’s husband got stung by a bee on the forehead.
He’s at the ER now, his face all swollen and bruised; he almost died.
Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
roger
 
  1  
Reply Fri 1 Sep, 2023 08:24 pm
@Wilso,
Thanks
0 Replies
 
lmur
 
  3  
Reply Thu 14 Sep, 2023 08:17 am
Did you know that if you watch the movie 'Jaws' backwards, it becomes a heart-warming story about sharks giving arms and legs back to the disabled?
0 Replies
 
tsarstepan
 
  1  
Reply Thu 14 Sep, 2023 11:34 am
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Thu 14 Sep, 2023 02:16 pm
@tsarstepan,
What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?


A labracadabrador.
Mame
 
  2  
Reply Thu 14 Sep, 2023 02:52 pm
@Mame,
I hired a handyman to do some work for me. When I got home only items 1, 3, and 5 were done.

Turns out he only does odd jobs.
0 Replies
 
coluber2001
 
  1  
Reply Thu 14 Sep, 2023 02:52 pm
@Mame,
Mame wrote:

What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?


A labracadabrador.


Oy! Black magic.
0 Replies
 
coluber2001
 
  5  
Reply Fri 15 Sep, 2023 02:25 pm
https://capitalresearch.org/app/uploads/2014/09/sja-America-sideways-looks-like-a-duck-140908-1509695_276960175794812_34656293_n.png
0 Replies
 
tsarstepan
 
  1  
Reply Mon 18 Sep, 2023 02:52 pm
0 Replies
 
Wilso
 
  2  
Reply Mon 18 Sep, 2023 07:41 pm
Woman's poem

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks,
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed,
Pull out my chair and hold my hand,
Massage my feet and help me stand,
Oh send a king to make me queen,
A man who loves to cook and clean,
I pray this man will love no other,
And relish visits with my mother.

Man's poem
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.
0 Replies
 
tsarstepan
 
  1  
Reply Wed 20 Sep, 2023 12:43 pm
0 Replies
 
 

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