Another wooden ball!!!
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside??
I have like 12 already…
@Wilso,
All those filled with footballs were sent to Spain.
@Walter Hinteler,
In Spain, they think footballs are round.
Tried having sex with a girl last week who told me it was her first time. Suddenly she started laughing uncontrollably which was very off-putting. Apparently my screwed-up features reminded her of a clown. I'm telling you, it was virgin on the ridiculous.
Moving to Canada.
August 12
We moved into our new house in Canada. I'm so excited. It's so nice. The mountains are beautiful. I cannot wait to see them covered with the snow.
October 14
Canada. It is the most beautiful country in the world. Leaves turned all colors and shades of yellow and orange. I drove across country and saw deer. They are so graceful. These are the most beautiful animals in the world. This must be the paradise. I love Canada.
November 11
Remembrance Day (Canada's national holiday). Deer hunting will begin soon. I cannot imagine how someone could kill such a beautiful animal. I hope that it will snow soon. It's so beautiful.
December 2
Tonight we got the first snow. I got up and saw all covered with white blanket. It looks like a beautiful postcard. We went outside; cleaned up the stairs and driveway, then had a snowball fight (I won). When snow plow passed by we had to re-clean the gate. What a great country.
I love Canada.
December 12
Tonight, snow again. Again snow plow passed by and buried gate. Here is so beautiful.
December 19
Tonight, snow again. I could not get the car out to go to work. Here is really wonderful, just a little tired of shoveling. Again the f******snow plow.
December 22
This white **** was falling the whole last night. I got blisters from shoveling and my back aches. This monkey with a snow plow is waiting around the corner for me to clean up at the gate. What an asshole.
December 25
Merry shitty f****** Christmas. Again crappy snow. If I ever get my hands on the asshole that drives a snow plow, I'll kill him.
Motherf*****! Why don’t they sprinkle more salt on the road so it dissolves faster.
December 27,
Tonight, snow again. I have not been out for three days except when I clean the snow after the snow plow passes. I cannot go anywhere, the car got stuck in the mountains, the snow is in front of the gate and it's cold. They say that tonight will get another 30 cm of that ****.
December 28,
The weather prognosis was bad.
It fell half a meter. At this rate it won’t melt until summer. The snow plow is stuck and that asshole came to me to ask for a shovel. I told him that I already broke six shovels cleaning that **** from the doorsteps as he tossed it, and I almost broke the shovel on his head.
January 4,
I am finally out of the house. I went to the store to buy some food and when I returned the car I hit the deer. $ 3,000 damage to the car. That f ****** beast should be killed. They're everywhere. Why were they not killed by hunters in autumn ...
May 3,
I drove the car to the mechanic. It's amazing how rusty it is from the f’ing salt sprinkled everywhere.
May 10,
I'm moving to Arizona. I can’t imagine why would a normal person want to live in f’ing Canada.
Tenjewberrymuds!
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds." G : "You're very welcome."
LIFE HACK: You can easily convert your sofa to a sofa-bed....by forgetting your wife's birthday.
90% of bald people still own a comb.
They just can't part with it....
My neighbor Judy’s husband got stung by a bee on the forehead.
He’s at the ER now, his face all swollen and bruised; he almost died.
Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
Did you know that if you watch the movie 'Jaws' backwards, it becomes a heart-warming story about sharks giving arms and legs back to the disabled?
@tsarstepan,
What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.
@Mame,
I hired a handyman to do some work for me. When I got home only items 1, 3, and 5 were done.
Turns out he only does odd jobs.
Woman's poem
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks,
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed,
Pull out my chair and hold my hand,
Massage my feet and help me stand,
Oh send a king to make me queen,
A man who loves to cook and clean,
I pray this man will love no other,
And relish visits with my mother.
Man's poem
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.
