I was walking down a street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
My wife just asked me when I was going to stop quoting Elton John song lyrics.
I said “I think it’s gonna be a long, long time...”
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes... She gave me a hug.
@Wilso,
Guy comes home from work early and finds his wife in bed with another man. He says, "What's going on here?"
His wife turns to her lover and says, "See, I told you he was stupid."
To the person who stole my place in the queue. I’m after you now.
How can I get my sex life back?
Problem - .I am 36 and have 3 children-6, 4 and 8 months with my partner, with whom I have been for 9 years. I am the main carer for them, do most of the housework and work outside home part-time. I feel exhausted, I do not get enough sleep and the last thing on my mind is sex. My libido is gone. This is causing problems with my partner.
Solution- The best thing for women to do in this situation is to ask the man’s advice on how she could organise her time more effectively so that she has time for her conjugal duties. Men are often willing to give such advice, being solution-oriented and often being skilled in time management and scheduling. Then, once he has told you how to rework your schedule, fell him with a blunt object and set fire to him.
Police are hunting a knitting needle attacker… They think he’s following some sort of pattern...
I got fired from my job because I kept asking customers if they preferred “smoking” or “non-smoking”. Apparently the correct terms were cremation or burial 🤷♂️
I went into the pet shop and asked for a taller stand for my parrot. I wanted to get it now and pay for it later but the owner said “I’m sorry but I don’t do higher perches”
I took my 8-year-old daughter to the office on 'Take Your Kid To Work Day' But when we walked in the office she started to cry. As concerned staff gathered round I asked her what was wrong and she said: "Daddy where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"
The invisible man and invisible woman married. I'm not sure what they saw in each other... Their kids were nothing to look at either!
A biology teacher grew human vocal cords from stem cells in the lab… The results speak for themselves!
I called Animal Welfare today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing four kittens."
“That's terrible," she replied, "Are they moving?”
“I'm not sure, to be honest" I said, "But if they were that would explain the suitcase.”
Any recommendations for music to listen to while I'm fishing?
Something catchy…
I’m reading a horror book in Braille.
Something bad is going to happen.
I can feel it.
I renewed my car insurance over the phone today, and as I was about to hang up the woman on the other end asked if I had a pet.
I said, "Yes, I’ve got a dog."
She asked, "Would you like to insure him too?"
I said, "No thanks, he can't drive!"
@Wilso,
And he never will with that attitude.
I was walking along the street the other day when I slipped in dog ****. A minute later, some guy did exactly the same. I said to him, "I just did that!" So he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard!
My wife just accused me of looking like someone who doesn’t know how to shave properly...
The bloody cheek!
My wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with tennis - and I'm too old. I said: "I'm only 40 love."
