I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told me "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace"
So I bought her nothing.
My wife screamed "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?! I was taken aback……what a weird way to start a conversation.
My wife asked me today if I had seen the dog bowl. I said no I didn't know he could.
Talk about coincidences. The news has just reported that 3 cliff walkers have died on the same expedition… I can't believe they all had the same name!
My wife thinks it’s weird that I stare at the window during a heavy rainstorm.
It would be a lot less weird if she’d just let me in
I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn.
He just didn’t cut it.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
I haven't had the flu all winter
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea....
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease...
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
A new species of yellow cobra has just been discovered in India, it is highly venomous, and the venom constantly drips from its fangs.
It's a lemon drizzle snake.
I thought this was supposed to be for bad jokes? These are all too good to be bad. But then again I have a warped sense of humor anyhow.
@izzythepush,
I wouldn’t have thought that. 😵💫
@Ragman,
I don't know if that's a good or bad thing.
I have done abit of stand up, and the funniest thing I've ever said is something that just pops into my head at the time.
That's not to say I don't have a routine, but spontoneity trumps all.
@izzythepush,
Having met you once in person, I can attest to your having a funny bone.
Wait …that sounds bad! 🙄
@Ragman,
Double entedres have a role all of their own, you want it to sound good,and bad.
@Ragman,
Izzy is just as funny as he is cantankerous.
I am an expert on US civil rights and have been since Malcolm the Tenth - Steve Day.
A countryman of Achilles that was seldom spoken of was Bophades.
Like Achilles, he too had only one weakness - not his ankle, but his groin.
So though you’ve surely heard of Achilles ankle, have you heard of Bophades nuts?
