Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

What can go up a chimney down but not down a chimney up??

An umbrella

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter that the other?





Eileen

Ad from the personals: Man with short left leg seeks woman with short right leg: goal.....out of this world mambo

A rather lengthy list of the problems I face at every gig courtesy of Leland Sklar, aging bass player:

You're too old to play gigs when:
1. It becomes more important to find a place on stage for your fan than your amp.
2. Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round of golf or Dolly Parton with no bosom.
3. All your fans leave by 9:30 p.m.
4. All you want from groupies is a foot massage and back rub.
5. You love taking the elevator because you can sing along with most of your set-list.
6. Instead of a fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie.
7. You lost the directions to the gig.
8. You need your glasses to see the amp settings.
9. You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage.
10. You feel like heck before the gig even starts.
11. The waitress is your daughter!
12. You stop the set because your ibuprofen fell behind the speakers.
13. Most of your crowd just sways in their seats.
14. You find your drink tokens from last month's gig in your guitar case.
15. You refuse to play without earplugs.
16. You ask the club owner if you can start at 8:30 instead of 9:30.
17. You check the TV schedule before booking a gig.
18. Your gig stool has a back.
19. You're related to at least one member in the band.
20. You don't let anyone sit in.
21. You need a nap before the gig.
22. After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early.
23. During the breaks, you now go to the van to lie down.
24. You prefer a music stand with a light.
25. You don't recover until Tuesday afternoon.
26. You hope the host's speech lasts forever
27. You buy amps considering their weight and not their tone or "cool" factor.
28. Feeling guilty looking at hot women at the audience, 'cause they're younger than your daughter.
29. You can remember seven different club names for the same location.
30. You have a hazy memory of the days when you could work 10 gigs in 7 days and could physically do it!
31. Your date couldn't make it because she couldn't find a babysitter for the grandkids.
32. The set list has to be in 20 point type..
33. Your drug of choice is now coffee…
34. It seems impossible to find stage shoes with decent arch support.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Picked up a hitchhiker recently, seemed like a nice guy.
After a few miles he asked me if I wasn't afraid he might be a serial killer.
I told him that the odds of there being two serial killers in the one car were extremely unlikely.

I'm gonna give it my best shot!

It's obligatory that's you watch and listen to the first 3 minutes before this comic opera, The Love of Three Oranges by Prokofiev. Well, only obligatory if you want a laugh. In the first 3 minutes a man comes on stage and directs the audience to the cards they possess, a sort of smell-o-vision. This is humor that only the English could pull off.

Unfortunately, I'm unable to watch the opera because there are no subtitles since it is sung in English, and it is assumed you can understand, which, of course, you can't, because it's impossible.

Friday the 13th lands on the 14th this month. Har Har!

An homage to Pogo and Walt Kelly.

Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do. Take Beethoven for example, they told him he couldn't be a musician because he was deaf... but he didn't listen.

"Beethoven was deaf, but he didn't listen." ummmm.....

ouch

That was just popcorn.

Since I learned to talk in Michigan, I get that. Most of my now-fellow Bostonians would just go "Huh?"

The special language in Boston. https://www.wikihow.com/Speak-With-a-Bostonian-Accent

A racist, a misogynist, and a fascist walk into a bar.
"What can I get you, Mr. President?" asks the bartender.

“Dad, how do you feel about abortions?”
“Well, why don’t you ask your sister?”
“But I don’t have a…”