Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Little Paul watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, Paul followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Paul found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........" At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Paul, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Paul to tell his story. Paul
started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army."


Moral: sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

MURPHY goes into the confessional and says to his priest "I had an affair with a woman. . . almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" MURPHY says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped"

The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

MURPHY leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "MURPHY!!! I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!" MURPHY replies


"Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in.

Which zoo animal is the worst at playing "hide and go seek"?
--The leopard, because it is always spotted.

How to tell when a Catholic is driving too fast.

Hollywood Squares


If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when " Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.




Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.



Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.



Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.



Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.



Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.



Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.



Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.



Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.



Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.



Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.



Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.



Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.



Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.



Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.



Q. Can boys join the <<Camp > < Fire > > Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.



Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?



Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.



Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.



Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.



Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.



Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?



Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.



Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.



Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

Two old ladies are standing at the bus stop, having a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the ladies pulls out a condom, rips off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and carries on smoking.

Mavis: "What's that?"

Vera: "A condom. It stops my cigarette from getting wet."

Mavis: "Where did you get it?"

Vera: "You get them at any chemist."

The next day, Mavis hobbles into the chemist and tells the pharmacist she wants a box of condoms. The bloke, embarrassed, asks what brand she prefers.

Mavis: "Doesn't matter, sonny, as long as it fits a Camel."

jokz dat i dont get
If youre paddling upstream in a canoe and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse? None! Ice-cream doesn't have bones!!!!

If you are climbing up a tree and the power goes out how many toes can a monkey eat? Zero cats only have 1 tail.

Moped
-------------------------
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to
him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks,
"What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man.
"Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then,
sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror and wonders what it
could be. And suddenly----
WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH!
Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be
going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and
passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later,he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and ,unbelievably , the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says,
"Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."

An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home.

Since most of the facilities were completely full, they had to put him in a Jewish home. After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit Grandpa.

"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.

"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says Grandpa.


"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone."

"Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," Grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!"

"There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!"

And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him 'Doctor'!"

"And what about you Grandpa" - asks the grandson.

"And me...., I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The ******* Arab!"

How do you make a cat go "woof"?
-- set it on fire (WHOOOOF!)

How do you make a dog go "meow"?
-- throw it in a wood chipper (MEEEEEEeeee-yoww!)

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
Female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut &stormed back in the house.
A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again,
Opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
Marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

For sale, budgerigars, going cheep.

A cheap joke.

Just what you'd expect from a Scot.

I don't think Mr.McTag deserves such a cheap comment.

It was a low blow wasnt it.

Sorry Mctag

Hey this is a thread for grim jokes. I make no apologies.

Actually that is one of my favourites.

> >> As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in
> >> beer there is freedom,
> >> in water there is bacteria.
> >>
> >> In a number of carefully controlled trials,
> >> scientists have demonstrated
> >> that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the
> >> end of the year we
> >> would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia
> >> coli, (E. coli)
> >> -bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are
> >> consuming 1 kilo of
> >> poop.
> >>
> >> However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine
> >> & beer (or tequila,
> >> rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to
> >> go through a
> >> purification process of boiling, filtering and/or
> >> fermenting.
> >>
> >> Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
> >>
> >> Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk
> >> stupid, than to drink
> >> water and be full of ****.
> >>
> >> There is no need to thank me for this valuable
> >> information: I'm doing it
> >> as a public service.

A man walks into the train station and asks for a ticket. the attenedent tells him that there are no trains today after the awful storm. The man asks about the storm. The attendant tells him that there are hailstones the size of tennis ball. the man asks where and the attendant simply replies "On the line," the customer screams, "YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!"

okay, I'm not getting that one.

Maybe you get this one Mame, may have applied to you once..........

EXPOSURE

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
Breast hanging out.
A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could
Cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out." He says.

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"