Traces of Texas
So there I was at Arkey Blues Silver Dollar in Bandera, Texas, when a couple of drunk Irish tourists stumbled down the stairs and into the bar. They were playing pool when one of them suddenly yelled out, "I hear you Texans are hard drinkers! I'll give 200 American dollars to anybody who can line up 12 Shiner Bocks and drink them one after another!"
The room got quiet and nobody took up the Irishman's offer. One cowboy even got up and left. Twenty minutes later the same cowboy who left showed back up and tapped the Irishman on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" the cowboy asked.
The Irishman said the bet was still good and asked the bartender to line up 12 bottles of Shiner Bock. Immediately the cowboy tore into all 12 of them, chugging them one after another. The other folks in the bar cheered as the Irishman sat in stunned silence.
Finally the Irishman gave the cowboy the 200 bucks and said, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 20 minutes you were gone?"
The cowboy replied, "Oh...I walked over to the 11th Street Cowboy Bar to see if I could do it first".
@edgarblythe,
Sounds like the Irishman who felt he should return the prize for winning a drinking contest. He cheated. He'd been practicing all day.
@roger,
Yeah, it's an oldie, but I like it.
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, and severely banged my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful, woman, who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
She said, “get in and I will take you to my house so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!
"Oh, come now, I am a nurse" she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty, and very persuasive and being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away, and after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything, and by the way, where is she?"
I replied, "Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
Three weeks ago I sent off for a hearing aid. I haven't heard a thing since.
@izzythepush,
I had a friend who got an overdose of botox in her forehead. She looked surprised.
@hingehead,
I lost my virginity to a goat. We were just fooling around -you know, like kids.
I recently took up meditation........ it beats sitting around doing nothing.
While enjoying their evening cocktails, the wife asks her husband, in very seductive voice, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen Fifty Thousand Dollars all crumpled up?"
He said, "No!," trying to contain his excitement.
She said, "Check the garage!"
@Region Philbis,
A zookeeper spotted a visitor throwing $10 bills into the elephant exhibit.
"Why are you doing that?" asked the keeper.
"The sign says it's okay," replied the visitor.
"No, it doesn't."
"Yes, it does. It says: Do not feed. $10 fine."
@jespah,
Bah, humbug! English. Air, ear, aer, ayre ... Any more?
@Region Philbis,
Yep. That fits the topic, alrighty.
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich,
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will Be $9.40 please"
The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" Asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million Dollars or something,
but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say..."
***
