@Builder,
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila Mockingbird.
Three Yorkshiremen. How can you tell which one's dyslexic?
He's the one with a cat flap on his head.
@spikepipsqueak,
My 'confirmed bachelor' uncle, Jimmy aways says he's asexual. But to that I would add that he's: B. Gay.
Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs.
@Builder,
groan! That one is actually very good !
@Ragman,
Henry Winkler is a passenger on a plane and the gorgeous blonde flight attendant asks him: "Would you like some head-phones ?"
He replies: "Yes, that would be very nice, but it's pronounced 'Fonz....
@lmur,
A sad state in its affairs. ;(
Time to sell my old hoover. Well, it's only gathering dust.
So a relative called and asked me if I could loan her $400 to help her pay her rent. I told her...give me a minute let me check my account and I'll call u right back." Before I could check my funds, my mom called and said, "Don’t give her any money because she's lying, My mom proceeded to tell me that she wants to use that $400 to get her boyfriend out of jail because she wants to be under the same roof with him for the holidays!!!
So I thought about it for a minute, and decided to go ahead and give her the $400.
I called and said, "Come on, I got you cuzzo." A couple hours later, I got a call from the County Jail, and it was her.
Q: why did you give me counterfeit money?!"
A: So you and your boyfriend would be under the same roof for the holidays. You’re welcome.
Some light holiday reading for you;
HOW TO WRITE BIG BOOKS by Warren Peace.
I LOST MY BALANCE by Eileen Dover and Phil Down.
THE GERMAN BANK ROBBERY by Hans Zupp.
I HATE THE SUN by Gladys Knight.
PRISON SECURITY by Barb Dwyer.
"Irish Heart Surgery", by Angie O'Plasty.
"Split Personalities", by Jacqueline Hyde.
"On The Mitch", by Marcus Absent.
"I Was a Cloakroom Attendant", by Mahatma Coate.
"Mystery in the Barnyard", by Hu Flung Dung.
"The Philippine Post Office", by Imelda Letter.
"Come on In!", by Doris Open.
"Cry of Innocence", by Ivan Alibi.
"How I Won the Marathon", by Randy Holway.
TOMCAT'S REVENGE by Claude Balls.
BABY'S REVENGE by Norah Titoff.
AFTERTHOUGHT by Adeline Extra.
THE WIND FROM THE SOUTH by I.C. Blast
EMBARRASSING MOMENT by Lucy Lastic.
"The Pendulum Swings" by Ivor Biggen
If sex with three people is called 'a threesome' and with four, 'a foursome', perhaps now it's clear why people call me 'handsome'.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating on her. "Careful," I said," you're starting to sound like my wife."
What kind of berries do old folks eat?
Elderberries.
@edgarblythe,
My daughter loves to tell me puns, and started a story about how they were practicing stage fighting in her theater class. They'd take turns fake-slapping each other.
I kept waiting for the punchline.
@Region Philbis,
How sweet. Farm machinery has tiny feathers.
