Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Not a joke - but when I was around 18 my local record store was bought by some guy who'd knew nothing about the business.

His alphabetisation was 'creative'.

I could almost understand Jethro Tull being under T - but Led Zeppelin under Z and XTC under C really made for a great hunt.

Summer must be over. My neighbors just returned our lawn furniture.

He's so cheap, he takes his kids to the airport and puts them on the luggage carousel for fun.

Mr Berle

Paul McCartney was walking home from town after buying his Sunday paper when a sudden gust of wind blew it from under his arm into a newly-cut meadow. He tried to recover it but to no avail. Not a great anecdote but it did lead to one of his more memorable lyrics:-
My Sunday morning's changed in oh-so many wa-aaays
My Independent has vanished in the hay.

An ol’ chestnut.

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? ... You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? ... What happened to your hand?"
The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really.."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over .... I looked up, and one of them **** in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird ****."
"Well It was my first day with the hook"

So conflicting.

An angry wife storms into the doctors office and confronts the head nurse.
“Ever since my husband’s operation we haven’t had sex” she complained.

The nurse replied “But all we did was remove his cataracts”

Mark and Steve are at their weekly golf game when they catch up to a pair of women playing ahead of them. It's clear the women are just playing for fun--their balls are flying wide, their putting is atrocious. Meanwhile, the two men are wasting time waiting behind the women to move on.

Finally, Mark says, "I'm going to ask those ladies if they mind if we play through." He heads in their direction, then spins on his heel and walks briskly back, red-faced.

"Whew, that was a close one," Mark said. "You'll have to ask them, Steve. One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."

"I understand completely," says Steve. "You hang back here and I'll go ask."

Steve heads towards the women, then likewise turns on his heel and walks back to Mark, red-faced and shaking his head.

"Wow", says Steve. "What a small world."

I've just been to a disgusting pub called "The Fiddle".

It really was a vile inn.

What color is a leaky faucet?

Pink. pink. pink.

My pet mouse, Elvis, died today. Yep - caught in a trap.

What's Elvis' favourite chair?

A rocking chair.

That’s cute.

You hear the one about the three holes in the ground filled with water?
No?
Well, well, well.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.

What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.

I gave all my dead batteries away today.
Free of charge.

Source - Edit [Moderator]: Link removed

Here is 4 more

How do you organize a space party?
You planet.

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin mobile!

Just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best damn program I’ve ever seen.

How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He sipped his coffee before it was cool!

I'm starting to regret getting a U2 sat nav.

Now the streets have no name and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.