Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

That's a bloody lie!

Don't quit your day-jobs. Who, in this 21st century , don't work at dark? DUUUUUUUHH

Huh?

Sometimes your posts are very funny..

This is a very, very old joke. It just recently popped back into my head. Note: a shtetl was a small, Jewish community in Eastern Europe. A schlemeil (pronounced shla meal) is a nerdy, stoopid, jerky type. My aunt defined a shlemeil as a schmo with with earflaps.

Hymie the schlemeil couldn't catch a break. Nothing ever went right for this guy. For example, every morning for breakfast he'd have a slice of bread with butter. And every morning without fail the bread would fall to the ground, butter side down. Every morning!

And then one day the bread fell butter side up! He was thrilled. Excited. Was this a sign that his luck was changing? He decided to visit the rabbi of the shtetl to get his views on what had just happened.

He entered the rabbi's residence and told him about the bread falling butter side down for years and that this morning it fell butter side up. "Tell me, Rabbi. Is this a sign that my life will get better? That my luck is changing?" Hymie held his breath as he waited for the wise man's response.

"No, my son," said the rabbi. "You just buttered the wrong side of the bread."

You all save the death-jokes for when I walk-in.

An Orthodox man goes to his rabbi and says, "You'll never believe what happened to me! My son left the house and became a Christian.

The rabbi replies. "You won't believe what happend to me too! My son also left the house and became a Christian.

The man asked "What should we do?" The rabbi says "We pray to Gd of course."

So they pray, and God answers "You'll never believe what happened to me."

XKCD

I had to think about that one.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were at the bar drinking when in walks a cowboy who yells, "Who's white horse it that outside?" The Lone Ranger finishes off his whiskey, slams down the glass, turns around and says, "It's my horse. Why do you want to know?" The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well, your horse is standing out there in the sun and he don't look too good." The Lone Ranger and Tonto run outside and they see that Silver is in bad shape, suffering from heat exhaustion. The Loan Ranger moves his horse into the shade and gets a bucket of water. He then pours some of the water over the horse and gives the rest to Silver to drink. It is then he notices that there isn't a breeze so he asks Tonto if he would start running around Silver to get some air flowing and perhaps cool him down. Being a faithful friend, Tonto starts running around Silver. The Lone Ranger stands there for a bit then realizes there is not much more he can do, so he goes back into the bar and orders another whiskey. After a bit a cowboy walks in and says, "Who's white horse is that outside?" Slowly the Lone Ranger turns around and says, "That is my horse, what is wrong with him now?" "Nothing," replies the cowboy, "I just wanted to let you know that you left your Injun running."

<chuckle>

HA! I had not heard that one before.

So there's three pieces of rope hanging on a fence across the road from the Last Chance Saloon in Dry Gulch, Arizona.
The first rope says "Sure is hot!"
Second rope says "Yep"
Third rope says "I'm sick and tired of hanging here in the hot sun, I'm going across the street for a beer!"
He slides off the fence, wriggles across the road and into the bar. Hops up on a stool and orders a cold glass of beer.
The bartender eyes him suspiciously and finally drawls "Ain't choo one 'o dem ropes?"
Third rope says "Sure am, now can I please have a beer?"
Bartender yells "Git on outa here, we don't serve no ropes in here!"
Third rope wriggles back across the street and drapes himself back across the fence.
Second rope asks "Did you get your cold beer?"
Third rope just shakes his head(?)
"Well I'll get one. You just gotta know how to stand up for yourself" Second rope declares. He slips off the fence, slides across the street and loops himself right up onto a barstool. He authoritatively pounds on the bar and demands service.
The bartender eyes him suspiciously and after carefully looking him over asks slowly "Say, ain't choo one 'o dem ropes?"
Second rope answers proudly "I sure am, now get to pourin' mister!"
Bartender leans menacingly toward second rope and threatens "I done told yer partner that we don't serve yer kind in here, now git outa my bar before I fill ya full o' holes" With that bartender revealed a large pistol tucked into his belt. Second rope slithered back to the fence and informed his friends "That bartender sure doesn't like ropes, there's no way for us to get a beer in that place"
First rope says "OK, you guys. Now I'll give it a try" He rolls himself up into a ball, rolls across the street and bounces up onto a barstool. Clears his throat to get the bartenders attention and says "I'd like a cold glass of beer, please"
Bartender eyes him suspiciously for a moment before asking "Ain't choo one o' dem ropes?"
First rope answers slowly "No, I'm afraid not."

ok, I heard that one like this TomTom...

Little piece of string goes into a bar and orders a drink. Bartender says "Get out, we don't serve your kind here."

Little piece of string goes outside, throws himself on the side walk, squirms, wriggles and twists all around, then goes back inside and orders a drink.

"Say....aren't you that little piece of string that was just in here?"

"Nope! I'm a frayed knot."

I like the buildup. But, as Chai2 stated, the punchline needs to be "frayed knot." to take advantage of the pun.

Only if the person reading the joke is a ******* idiot.