Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Ha ha ha ...

Smart George.

HOW YODELLING WAS INVENTED

I'm afraid I just cant believe that story Imur. Swiss farmers rarely say "you cad Sir"

Did you hear about the butcher that backed into his meatgrinder and got a little behind in his orders?

"I rode the ol' lady too..rode the ol' lady too".


Ha ha ha ...

Killing two birds with one stone.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is in a fatal car
accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates
waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin
to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed
up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time
anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left. The couple sat and
waited for an answer. Two months passed and the couple was still waiting.
So as they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married
in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat
bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't
work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with
anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest
up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find an attorney?"

What do Jamaicans say when they run out of weed?











"What the hell is that awful music?"

Just to make you smile ....................

Japanese Fart.

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally let out a big fart.

She looked up and said: "Aww so sowwy...excuse prease, front hole so
happy back hole laugh out loud."

*The Husband Store*


*A store that sells husbands has just opened in New
York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the
instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the
attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There
is, however, a catch....... You may choose any man from a particular
floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building! *

*So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. *

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: *
*Floor 1 - These men have jobs and make a good salary. *

The second floor sign reads: *
Floor 2 - These men have jobs that make a good salary, and love kids. *

The third floor sign reads: *
Floor 3 - These men have jobs that make a good salary, love kids, and are extremely good looking. *

Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.*

*She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: *
*Floor 4 - These men have jobs that make a good salary, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. *

Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" *

*Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: *
Floor 5 - These men have jobs that make a good salary, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. *

*She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads: *

*Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step
as you exit the building, and have a nice day! *

IRISH ALZHEIMER'S


Murphy showed up in Church one Sunday morning and the Pastor almost fell down when
he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After the service, the pastor caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so
glad you decided to come to Church. What made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you. A while back, I
misplaced my hat, and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn
had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn come to church every
Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Church service and
figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave early and steal McGlynn¢s hat

The pastor said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's
hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I
decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The pastor gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou
Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than
Burn in Hell, right ?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou
Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left me hat."

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at
the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed,
and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest,
it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you I must
tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering
an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to
pass it before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is
good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance
exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.

Life was a big enough test
as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I
know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:
What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:
What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions
over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and
says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
tell me your answers"

Forrest replied, "Well, the
first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter "T"?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and
he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do
have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit
for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about
that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds
in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's
got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... "

"Hold it," interrupts St.
Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give
you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied,
"it's Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated
and frustrated St Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you
came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the
world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest
one of all," Forrest replied. "I learnt it from the song, "ANDY
WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
and said: "Run Forrest, run."


Give me a sense of humor, Lord.
Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And to pass it on to other folks.

I always thought God's name was Howard.
"Our father who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."

I think you are right equus.

Andy was the swagman from waltzing matilda.

Andy sang, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled....

GOOD THINKING PADDY.

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbour's' dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.

Suddenly Paddy jumps up out of bed and says "I've had enough of this". He goes downstairs.

Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"

Paddy says "I've put the dog in our yard. Fookin' see how THEY like it!"

Didnt you post that a page or so ago? Old timers disease dutchy?

Isn't this a case of "The Pot Calling The Kettle Black" dadpad? I only heard that one in the pub last night and posted it first today.

I read it here (A2K) somewhere in the last day or so dutchy. Thought it was you that posted it.

Maybe I'm turning psyco.

You want me to recommend a good shrink?

Custody Battle

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the
custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet
and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into
this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his
side of the story. After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his
chair and replied: "Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine
and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

Don't laugh, he won.