Did you hear about the two fat men who ran in the New York Marathon?
One ran in short bursts, the other in burst shorts!
Young man starts in a large Department Store, and after some basic sales training, the manager places him on his own in the general sales area, just to see how he coped when chucked in the deep end.
At the end of the day he asks the young man how many customers he'd sold to.
"One man", he answers.
"Just the one? How much did he spend?"
"£124,000", the lad replies.
"How did you manage that?"
"Well, first he bought some fishing hooks and I asked him if he had some line and a rod. He didn't so I sold him those items, and then asked him if he had any waders, I then mentioned that he may like to buy our new twin engine motorboat, and then got him to purchase the big, shiny four wheel drive SUV to tow the boat. All in all it added up to £124k."
The manager was astonished.
"You sold him all of that when he only came in for some fishing hooks?"
"Oh no" the young man replied, "He actually came in for tampons, and I just told him that seeing as by the sound of it his weekend is totally buggered, he might as well go fishing."
@Lordyaswas,
Thanks. That was real funny.
@hingehead,
That's bloody awful. Kudos for staying on topic
@Region Philbis,
Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side.
@doggie lover,
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"
Doctor: "Nine."
I saw a bunch of kids skating and they were playing tag.
I guess you could call that "freeze tag."
A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN
VANCOUVER THAT READ:
"We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you."
Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”;
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels.”;
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, You've come to the right place.”;
On a Plumber's truck :
"We repair what your husband fixed.”;
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip.
Call your plumber.”;
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout.”;
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.”;
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take
appropriate action.”;
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.”;
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss
a car payment.”;
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary.
We hear you coming.”;
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”;
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However,
if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up.”;
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.”;
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills.”;
In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.”;
@edgarblythe,
but... but... some of those are good! (a nice collection)
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, or eggs ta get or feed to stack - nothin'!! But ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even some soap and a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city kids are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' -strewth... its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes yagotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - but it's OK coz it's only one at a time like, it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 18 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders. As ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes pulled me off and carried me to the boozer. He didn't come with us though, said somethin about sore mouth...
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila.
The ATO (IRS) decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the ATO office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the ATO finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”
Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator.
I'm taking this **** to a whole new level.
