209
   

Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

 
 
hingehead
 
  1  
Reply Wed 3 Feb, 2016 12:29 am
@chai2,
That was funny - but was it a dream sequence?

The guy at the end said 'We'd like to offer you a very special preposition'.
timur
 
  2  
Reply Wed 3 Feb, 2016 12:06 pm
It is a bit long but made me laugh:

Quote:
Deal or no deal? An online exchange between a woman looking for a husband who earns more than $500,000 a year and a mystery Wall Street banker, who assessed her potential for romance as a business deal, has cause quite an Internet stir.

The anonymous 25-year-old woman recently posted an ad on the free online New York community Web site Craigslist, newyork.craigslist.org/, appealing for advice on how to find a wealthy husband.

"I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at all," the woman, who described herself as "spectacularly beautiful" and "superficial," wrote.

"I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. $250,000 won't get me to Central Park West," she said, asking questions like "where do rich single men hang out?"

The mystery banker, who said he fit the bill, offered the woman an analysis of her predicament, describing it as "plain and simple a crappy business deal."

"Your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity ... in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!" the banker wrote.

"So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset," he said. "Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!"

"It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease," he said.

While the woman has since removed the ad from Craigslist, it -- along with the response -- has become a popular email joke that, bank JPMorgan Chase says, led to one of its bankers mistakenly being credited with writing the response.

Brian Marchiony, spokesman for JPMorgan Chase, said the banker did not write the response and that his email signature accidentally became attached to the ad and response when he forwarded it to friends and it then wound up on blogs.

Craigslist was not immediately available for comment, but a spokeswoman told The New York Times that "it does look as if the post was made sincerely."
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Thu 4 Feb, 2016 12:04 am
@hingehead,
hingehead wrote:

That was funny - but was it a dream sequence?

The guy at the end said 'We'd like to offer you a very special preposition'.


No, not a dream.

There's another clip on youtube where they are grilling her and say what (some enormous number) divided by (similar)

She say's "I don't know six?"

Ding.

Oh, here it is...

I love the line at the end..."I wish I had my normal life back where all I wanted to do was scissor you and talk to my cat."



At one time all her teeth were rotting out and she says "I never brush my teeth, I just rinse them with Dr. Pepper. I think he's some kind of dentist."

0 Replies
 
Lordyaswas
 
  2  
Reply Tue 9 Feb, 2016 05:21 pm
I've lost my thesaurus.

I can't find the words to tell you how upset I am.
cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Feb, 2016 06:36 pm
@Lordyaswas,
You didn't need no thesaurus to express what you did.
0 Replies
 
doggie lover
 
  1  
Reply Sun 14 Feb, 2016 07:21 pm
@Mame,
If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner. They are usually about 90 degrees.
Why can't Ray Charles see his friends? He's married.
Did you hear about the 2 men who stole a calendar? They both got 6 months.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it.
I want a job cleaning mirrors. It's something that I can really see myself doing.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
What's something that's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Can you please call me a taxi? You're a taxi.
Helen keller walks into a bar. And then a table. And then a chair.
What's grey and can't fly? A parking lot.
What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1
WHat do you call a sleepwalking nun? A roamin' catholic.
My grandpa has a heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Here are some more >> http://bringvictory.com/
doggie lover
 
  0  
Reply Sun 14 Feb, 2016 07:44 pm
@doggie lover,
Wrong site. Here is the one with the top 50 worst puns >> https://sneakytime.com/rr/#.VsEs4VUrL9g
0 Replies
 
Glennn
 
  0  
Reply Sun 14 Feb, 2016 08:04 pm
I heard this joke when I was eleven years old. At the time, it was the funniest thing I'd ever heard, and I couldn't stop laughing. It doesn't have that effect now, but that's what this thread is all about, I guess.
____________________________________________

A smart guy and a dumb guy share an apartment. Friday after work, the smart guy says to the dumb guy, "I got a date with a girl tonight, and she's got a friend who's looking for someone to go out with tonight. So I told her about you, and we're gonna go on a double date."

The dumb guy says, "Where are we goin'?"

The smart guy says, "We're goin' to the drive-in."

The dumb guy says, "Yeah but I'm scared cuz I don't know what to do. I've never been on a date before."

The smart guy says, "Don't worry. I'll be in the front seat with my girl, and you'll be in the back seat with yours. Just watch me and do what I do."

So they go to the drive-in and the smart guy puts his arm around his girl. So the dumb guy does the same. After a few minutes, the smart guy leans in and kisses his girl. The dumb guy leans in and kisses his girl. Then the smart guy starts feeling his girl up. The dumb guy does the same. After a few minutes, the smart guy undoes his girl's jeans and pulls them off. So the dumb guy does the same, but the girls stops him and says, "Sorry, I'm having my period."

The dumb guy stops for a minute and thinks to himself: what the hell is a period? Oh yeah, it's the thing at the end of a sentence. So he says to his date, "That don't matter," and then proceeds to pull her jeans and underwear off. Then he looks between her legs and sees blood and exclaims, "Holy ****! No wonder you're bleeding; somebody tore your cock off!"
0 Replies
 
hingehead
 
  4  
Reply Fri 19 Feb, 2016 06:02 am
"Several days ago as I left the Bunnings in Rocky, to walk out to my ute and was reaching into my pocket from my car keys... got that sick feeling when I didn't find them there. I desperately gave myself a personal pat down, other pockets, shirt pocket, not there. Turned around real fast and trotted back into Bunnings . I did a quick search in the seats where I had been sitting, nothing. I asked everybody if they had seen my keys... nope. Then it hit me, I must have left them in the ute. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot outside Bunnings.

My wife, Faye has scolded me a thousand times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen if I do that. As I burst through the doors of Bunnings and out into the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty, no ute

I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the ute, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all.

"Honey," I stammered. I always call her honey in times like these. "I left my keys in the ute, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Faye's voice.

"Kris," she barked, "I dropped you off at Bunnings on my way to the grocery store!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, would you come and get me?"

Faye retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince these coppers I have not stolen your ******* ute!!"
hingehead
 
  1  
Reply Fri 19 Feb, 2016 06:47 am
http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/i-love-flying-foxes-harder-to-keep-in-the-air-than-kites-but-their-tails-look-great-in-the-wind-calbo-070ef.png
0 Replies
 
Wilso
 
  4  
Reply Sat 20 Feb, 2016 09:51 pm
The guy who invented predictive text has died.

His funfair is on monkey.
cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Sat 20 Feb, 2016 09:59 pm
@Wilso,
The guy who predicted mortality suddenly died.
0 Replies
 
panzade
 
  4  
Reply Sun 21 Feb, 2016 12:27 am
A man hails a Yellow Cab on Times Square in Manhattan. He gets in and says: "Take me to Heath Row Airport."
The cabbie turns to him and says, "What?! Are you nuts? That's in England."
The fare replied "I know that. I always had this fantasy of taking a New York cab to London. I will pay what it costs. Take me to Heath Row".
The cabbie said.."Well...ok, I guess. But I have to make a lot of arrangements."
The Fare said, "Fine. Make them and give me a quote". So the cabbie called the ship lines and ferry services and estimated time and cost for food, etc. And he had to add the costs for the return trip. He figured it would take about 6 days. He quoted the fare $3500. The fare said fine, paid up front, and promised a hefty tip when they arrived.
They pulled up to Heath Row 6 days later. The fare was smiling and happy, and paid the cabbie a nice tip and off he went. Just then another traveler was exiting the terminal and saw the cab and jumped in it. He said, "I can't believe this! A yellow cab in London. This is GREAT!. Take me to Long Island City"
The cabbie replied, "I don't go to Queens"
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Wed 24 Feb, 2016 02:47 am
@panzade,
YES!!!!!

Seriously, I'm Australian and I still find that hilarious.
0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Wed 24 Feb, 2016 02:48 am
@hingehead,
Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy Rolling Eyes Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy
0 Replies
 
hingehead
 
  4  
Reply Tue 1 Mar, 2016 04:29 pm
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/5a/73/31/5a733113b77d7763a4ac7d06c65775e8.jpg
Setanta
 
  2  
Reply Tue 1 Mar, 2016 04:35 pm
Bad Hinge . . . no cookie for you!
cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Tue 1 Mar, 2016 04:40 pm
@Setanta,
I think he earned an apple pie, 1/15th slice.
0 Replies
 
Roberta
 
  1  
Reply Tue 1 Mar, 2016 05:32 pm
@hingehead,
Go stand in a corner.

Shame on you!
George
 
  3  
Reply Wed 2 Mar, 2016 08:06 am
@Roberta,
I stand in a corner when my house is cold.
They're all ninety degrees.
0 Replies
 
 

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