Q. What's round, aggressive and very bad tempered?
A. A vicious circle
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Olivier5
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Tue 5 Jan, 2016 08:17 am
Soviet joke.
Staline was taking some time off in his datcha on the black sea. He woke up one morning and did some exercises in the front yard. The sun was rising, so Jo Stalin asked him: "Oh sun, what do you think of me?"
The sun replied: "Oh Stalin, you are the greatest hero of socialism and the only hope of mankind!"
At mid-day, Stalin again went out of the datcha and asked the sun: "oh sun, what do think of me?"
The sun replied: " Oh Stalin, you are a pure genius, the most intelligent man alive! Compared to you, Einstein is an idiot."
Towards the evening, Stalin feels like talking a stroll outside. The sun is setting down on the horizon, so Jo asks him again: "Oh sun, what do you think of me?"
The sun replies: "**** you! You are a mass murderer and a psychopath! That's all I have to say to you, now that I moved to the West."
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
Staline was taking some time off in his datcha on the black sea. He woke up one morning and did some exercises in the front yard. The sun was rising, so Jo Stalin asked him: "Oh sun, what do you think of me?"
The sun replied: "Oh Stalin, you are the greatest hero of socialism and the only hope of mankind!"
At mid-day, Stalin again went out of the datcha and asked the sun: "oh sun, what do think of me?"
The sun replied: " Oh Stalin, you are a pure genius, the most intelligent man
alive! Compared to you, Einstein is an idiot."
Towards the evening, Stalin feels like talking a stroll outside. The sun is setting down on the horizon, so Jo asks him again: "Oh sun, what do you think of me?"
The sun replies: "**** you! You are a mass murderer and a psychopath! That's all I have to say to you, now that I moved to the West."
I love it, it sounds like a joke Russians would tell each other.
Here's mine: A man is leaning on a farm gate, watching the farmer round up some sheep when he realises that the farmer isn't using a sheepdog, but rather a pig. What's more, the pig, which is expertly manoeuvring the sheep into a pen, only has three legs. "Excuse me," says the man to the farmer, "but why has that pig only got three legs?" "Let me tell you a bit about that pig", says the farmer. "That pig not only herds my sheep, he also crows in the morning, milks the cows morning and night and collects the eggs from the hens." "And that's not all!", he continued, "that pig can count! He counts so well that he does all the farm accounts and fills in my tax forms." "What an amazing pig!" Says the man. "I ain't finished!", says the farmer. "Two years ago, my farmhouse caught fire and the pig called the fire brigade and then fetched water from the river to douse the flames in the hall. He then fought his way through the smoke to where my wife and children lay unconscious and dragged them from the burning house." "Wow!", says the man,"that really is an incredible pig. But I still don't understand why he only has three legs." "Ah, well", says the farmer, "when you have a pig that is that special, you don't eat him all at once..."
One friend says to another, "What happened to that ad you put in the paper to find a husband? Any luck with it?" And the friend replies, "I got two hundred people who said, 'You can have mine.'
The husband on his deathbed, called over his wife and said, "One month after I die, I want you to marry Larry." "Larry? But he is your enemy!" "Yes, I know that. I've suffered all these years, so let him suffer now."
