Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty
the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want
a bed near the window?"

>
> > Rebecca and Jacob...................want to marry.
> >
> >
> > Rebecca Jacob
> >
> > Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in
> > Florida , are all excited
> > about their decision to get married. They go for a
> > stroll to discuss the wedding,
> > and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob
> > suggests they go in.
> >
> > Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are
> > you the owner?"
> >
> > The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
> >
> > Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell
> > heart medication?"
> >
> > Pharmacist: "Of course we do"
> >
> > Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
> >
> > Pharmacist: "All kinds."
> >
> > Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
> >
> > Pharmacist: "Definitely."
> >
> > Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
> >
> > Pharmacist: "Of course."
> >
> > Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis,
> > jaundice?"
> >
> > Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
> >
> > Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills,
> > Geritol, antidotes for
> > Parkinson's disease?"
> >
> > Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
> >
> > Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
> >
> > Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
> >
> > Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal
> > Registry."

The seven Dwarfs

One day, the seven dwarfs left to go work in the mine.

Snow White stayed home to prepare lunch.

When she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began
calling out, hoping against hope that some of the dwarfs had survived.

"Hello, hello," she called. "Can anyone hear me? Hello"

For quite a while there was no answer.

Losing hope, Snow White called again Just as she was about to give up all
hope, there came a faint voice from deep in the mine.

The voice said, "Vote for Hillary. Vote for Hillary."

Snow White, somewhat relieved screamed out, "Oh, thank God. Dopey is still alive.

>>>The Wise Old Jewish Man

>>>

>>>In Jerusalem,

a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish

man

>>>

who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day,

everyday,

for a long, long time.

>>>So she went to check it out.

>>>

>>>She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!

>>>

>>>She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to

>>>leave, she approached him for an interview.

>>>'I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to

the

>>>Wall and praying?'

>>>

>>>'For about 60 years.'

>>>

>>>'60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?

>>>

>>>'I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I

pray

>>>for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow

up in

>>>safety and friendship.'

>>>

>>>'How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?'

>>>

>>>'Like I'm talking to a fuckin' wall.'

A snake charmer married an undertaker, and now they have matching towels marked "Hiss" and "Hearse".

Mwaa mwaa.

An English farmer was showing an Australian sheep farmer round his farm. They travelled in his Land Rover and the journey round the 500 acre farm took almost half an hour.
When they got back in the farmhouse the Englishman asked the Australian what he thought about the farm.
"Well, back in Australia, I can get in my car and it will take me four whole days to get round my farm."

"Yes" replied the Englishman, "I sympathise. I once had a car like that"

The Talking Clock

Proudly showing off her newly leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a drunk Female yuppie led the way to her bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the friend's asked.

"Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking clock" she drunkingly replied.

"A talking clock - seriouiouously?"

"Yup." "Hmmm (hic)."

"How's it work?" the second friend asked, squinting at it.

"Just Watch" she said. She picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash ' and stepped back.

Her three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed "For f*#k's sake you stupid bitch, it's ten past three in the f*#king morning!!!"

A salesman was traveling through the country side,
flogging insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and
tried his pitch on the farmer.

"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be
bitten again. I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious.

"Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you
out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug
spray. If there is not a single bite on you come
morning, I'll buy a whole case from you. And get
everyone in the county to buy a case we will make you
rich.

The salesman was delighted.

They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer
sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him
to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer. The
next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to
the cornfield. Sure enough,the salesman was
there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him.
Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and
drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now,
you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell!
What the devil happened?"

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked,
"Doesn't that calf have a mother?

A guy asked the pharmacist for a case of condoms. The pharmacist asked him why he needed so many.

"I put them in my dog's food."

"Why is that?"

"So my dog will poop in plastic bags."

Subject: Victoria's Secret

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for
his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price,
the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it
home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might
as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked,
return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least
iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on THURSDAY at Noon. Closed coffin.

Two balloons were flying in the desert, says the first balloon "watch out for that big cactus!" "what cactusussssssssss?"

CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO

FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK

I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS.
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS...................................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?

SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO...
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!

Photo taken during APEC meeting in Sydney - Australia - September 2007

what do you say to a girl with 2 black eyes? nothing. You already told her twice! LOL

Can you explain the humour in that "joke" to me?

Have you lost your sense of humour


(Hi Mame, are you well?)

Hi D... yes, I am... just didn't find that one funny.

Of course, this is the perfect thread for it - bad jokes.

Maybe this willmake you smile a little........Mame

Death of a Legend.

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it
is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died peacefully at
the age of 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Mildred, the church gossip


Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the
church's morals, kept sticking her nose in the other parishioner's
private lives. Church members were
unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to
maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new
member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his ute parked for a few hours in front of the town's only pub one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there
would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just
walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said
nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his ute in front of
Mildred's house... and left it there all night.