@panzade,
I always read spike's posts..
The ten best one liners from this year's Edinburgh Fringe
1. Darren Walsh: I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free.
2. Stewart Francis: Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse … but enough about Kanye West.
3. Adam Hess: Surely every car is a people carrier?
4. Masai Graham: What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
5. Dave Green: If I could take just one thing to a desert island, I probably wouldn’t go.
6. Mark Nelson: Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.
7. Tom Parry: Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day.
8. Alun Cochrane: The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.
9. Simon Munnery: Clowns divorce: custardy battle.
10. Grace the Child: They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for.
@hingehead,
Oops. Missed the honourable mentions:
Jenny Collier: I never lie on my CV, because it creases it.
Ian Smith: If you don’t know what introspection is, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.
Tom Ward: I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.
Gyles Brandreth: Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I’m reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It’s someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn’t.
Ally Houston: Let me tell you a little about myself. It’s a reflexive pronoun that means “me”.
James Acaster: Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything – loved it. Should’ve been called Look Who’s Hawking, that’s my only criticism.
This old geezer dodders into a police station, and goes up to the desk sergeant, saying: I'd like to report a crime!
What's that Pops?
I was walking through the park down there a ways, when these three young women jumped out of the bushes, threw me down, tore my pants off and had their way with me!
Jeeze . . . really? When did this happen, old timer.
1953 . . . but i still like to talk about it.
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place,
And as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom,
With hundreds and hundreds of cute,
Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
In rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them
And she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
Medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf,
And huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
But doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and,
After awhile, she finds herself thinking,
Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
Could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips
He responds warmly
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
And he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom
Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
They are lying there together in
The afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
"Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her,
Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,
And says,
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf..."
***
