Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

I heard it a bit differently:

Three Southern Belles are sitting on the porch, sipping iced tea, and talking.

The first Southern Belle brags, "My Daddy loves me so much, he bought me a brand new diamond bracelet!"

The second Southern Belle seems a bit put out, but the third one just smiles and says, "Well, isn't that nice!" (drawl that last bit.... "isn't thaht nahss.")

The second Southern Belle offers, "My Daddy loves me so much, he bought me a brand new Cadillac!"

The first Southern Belle grimaces, but the third one just smiles, fans herself, and says, "Well, isn't that nice!"

There's silence for a bit, but the other two just can't stand it, and have to ask, "Well, what did your Daddy do for you?"

The third Southern Belle says, "My Daddy loves me so much he sent me to Finishin' School."

The other two look at each other, and one says, "Finishin' School? What the heck good is Finishin' School?"

The third Southern Belle smiles and answers, "It's where they teach you to say 'isn't that nice' instead of '**** you." (Drawl that last bit out, too, with contempt. 'fuuck yooo.')

Heehee...

Someone's just described me as being spicy.
*looks straight at the camera*
I'll take that as a condiment.

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"


"I don't like her."

Reminded me of this oldie.

There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each 1 $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The 2nd one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man. She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The 3rd one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought hard about how each of the women spent the money.

Finally, being a man he decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

A devout Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel. The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?" The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel!"

Been given the world's largest deck of cards.
It's a lot to deal with right now.

Accordion to a recent survey 90% of people don’t notice when you replace words with the names of musical instruments.

Please spare a thought for my grandfather. He was feeling a little poorly recently so we rubbed lard on his back.

He went quickly downhill after that.

There's a huge leak in our fridge

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day

l have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.