Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

A One Ended Stick (2013)

I got this one and it's en espagnol!

GRILLING RULES

We are about to enter the GRILLING season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory
on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity...

When a man volunteers to do the GRILLING the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking
utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three feet exclusion zone where the exuberance of
testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she
will bring another beer while he flips the meat.

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man (the GrillMaster!) asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her
annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...

***

Translation: “Those Irish are a disgrace/disappointment for mankind

Can you paint wall with children? Yes, if you throw them strong enough.

\

Wow! Just wow!

I'm sure this has been posted but it bears repeating.

Two nicely dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Los Angeles airport.

The first lady was an arrogant Californian woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered, elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born,

my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman continued, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to Charm School," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm School?" the first woman said, amazed, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying, "Who gives a ****?" I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart!"

Reminds me of one of my favorite southern lady jokes.

A woman goes into the local grocery and asks the man putting out stock if he can tell her where she'll find a half gallon of chocolate ice cream . . .

I'm sorry, ma'am we have no chocolate right now, but we have a special on strawberry.

Well then, can i get two quarts of chocolate ice cream?

Ma'am, we don't have any chocolate, but we do have some nice . . .

Well, then, how about four pints of chocolate?

Ma'am, can you spell the straw in strawberry?

Certainly, s-t-r-a-w.

Can you spell the van in vanilla?

Why yes, v-a-n.

Can you spell the f*ck in chocolate?

Bit there is no f*ck in chocolate!

Ma'am, i have been trying to tell you that, but you just don't listen.

I think that one makes the grade to be an actual good joke.

"Well, bless your heart!"

FBM, I know you know all about this, but that reminded me.

(sorry folks, not a joke)
Once I was at a big meeting with people from all over the U.S. The speaker was talking about communication, and regional differences.

He said "Your mother calls you on the phone and says 'well, your sister hasn't called'" and asked the group what she meant by that.

Only those south of the Mason/Dixon line knew that meant you have call your sister and tell her she better call mom.

hingehead, I learned that "bless his heart" is also said about someone who is totally inept at something as in "well he tries, bless his heart"

The word "well" is said a lot.

Yeah, 'bless his/her heart' is used when someone is pitiful, but you think they're good-hearted and you feel sorry for them.

Well (pronounced with at least two syllables), Leroy tries, but he just ain't been right since that cow kicked him in th' head, bless his heart.

I know a lady from Norfolk (in England). She shortens it to just 'Bless'.

It's the most politely condescending putdown I've ever heard. e.g.

'He thinks Sepp Blatter was unjustly persecuted.'

'Oh, bless.'


Australia's recent contribution to this idea is



To which the interviewer, Shaun Micallef, asks 'You don't think the public see through this approach?'

Draymella replies 'I'm not a commentator, Shaun.'

In context:

If I had to describe myself in one word, it'd be, "Can't follow directions."

A very known joke:

A child returned home from school and started to do her homework.

The mother passed by thru the kitchen and heard her doing math.

-Two plus two, the son of the b*tch is four. Three plus three, the son of the b*tch is six. Four plus four, the son of the b*tch is eight...

The mother called the father by phone and he also heard how the little girl was doing her math homework.

Next day, both parents went to the school to complaint against the teacher. After showing the principal how their daughter learnt to add at school, the teacher was called.

When explanations were demanded, the teacher laughed. This was a case of misunderstanding or lack of cleaning the girl's ears.

-What I taught in class was two plus two, the sum of which is four, three plus three, the sum of which is six...