Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

When insults had class.

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." --
Winston Churchill








"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow








"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)








"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho
Marx








"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of
it." -- Mark Twain








"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar
Wilde








"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a
friend. . . If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
. . Followed by







Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend
second, if there is one." -- Winston Churchill








"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." --
Stephen Bishop








"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright








"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." --
Irvin S. Cobb








"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." --
Samuel Johnson








"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating








"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr








"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"







-- Mark Twain








"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West








"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar
Wilde








Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, "Winston,
if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!" Winston replied, "Madam
if I were your husband I would drink it!"







Lady Astor also once remarked to Winston Churchill at a Dinner Party, "Sir
Winston, you're drunk!" To which, Winston replied, "Yes, Madam, I am. And
you're ugly! But in the morning, I will be sober. And you will still be
ugly!"

Subject: The Joy of Being Retired


Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days
interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was
only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop
writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how
about giving a retired person a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He
glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo". He finished the second ticket
and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he
was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Rudy in '08."

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to
my health.

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.



If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"

Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money.."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"

Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender.

So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

"OK," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do:

First , You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third. - There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it!

You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Wherez zat tequila?"

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says. "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

That's the spirit, au. They're getting worse...also older.

Knock knock
Who's there
Mickey Mouse's Underwear!

(my daughter's favourite at age 5)

knock knock

who's there?

repeat

repeat who?

OK. Who...who...who...who...who . . .

Knock knock

Who's there?

Me.

Me?!

Only in Cleveland

Two boys are playing hockey on a frozen pond in Cleveland when one is suddenly attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick and shoves it under the dogs collar, twists it and breaks the dog's neck, saving his friend.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident. He approaches the boys and congratulates the heroic youth. He tells the young man that he's a reporter and tells him "I'm going to have the headline read..."Indians Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," then begins writing in his notebook.

"But, I'm not an Indians fan", the little hero replied.

"Sorry, thought all Cleveland kids were," said the reporter and he starts again. "Browns Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he continued writing in his notebook.

"I'm not a Browns fan either," the boy said.

"Oh, I assumed everyone in Cleveland was either for the Indians or the Browns. What team do you root for?" The reporter asked.

"I'm a Steelers fan," the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:

"Little Bastard From Pennsylvania Kills Beloved Family Pet."


Smile .. . . It's contagious!

>>One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman
>>became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual
>>manner.
>>
>>He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small
>>of her back.
>>
>>He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.
>>
>>Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding
>>his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point
>>below her waist.
>>
>>He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the
>>other.
>>
>>His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.
>>
>>His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh,
>>stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
>>
>>By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a
>>little to better position herself.
>>
>>The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.
>>
>>
>>
>>"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.
>>
>>
>>
>>He whispered back, "I found the remote."
>>

Men!

Another one for Mame.


Moral of the Story


An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" Asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Dutchy, you're full of surprises!

Monastery Life
> > A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the
> other
> > monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
> >
> >
> >
> > He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not
> from
> > the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to
> > question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in
> the
> > first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be
> > continued in all of the subsequent copies.
> >
> >
> >
> > The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for
> centuries, but
> > you make a good point, my son."
> >
> >
> >
> > He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
> > where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked
> > vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go
> > by and nobody sees the old abbot.
> >
> >
> >
> > So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees
> him
> > banging his head against the wall and wailing.
> > "We missed the R ! We missed the R !
> > We missed the R !"
> >
> > His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
> > uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong,
> father?"
> > With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
> > "The word was...
> >
> > CELEBRATE !!!" not celibate !!!!!

Lol.. I nearly spat my coffee out everywhere after that one..

Why does an elephant paint its nuts red?
So it can hide in cherry trees.

Whats the loudest sound in the jungle?
A giraffe eating cherries.

The rabbi and the priest lived next door to each other and bought new cars at almost exactly the same time. Looking out his window, the rabbi saw the priest with a small bowl of water sprinkling the contents over the car and blessing it.
Not to be outdone, the rabbi got a hacksaw and cut half an inch off the exhaust pipe of his own car.

:wink:

Glasgow Copper

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper .
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a London lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. ?

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired