Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Excellent!

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, 'Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.'
'What do you mean?' said the pirate, 'I feel fine.'

Bartender, 'What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.'
Pirate, 'Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.'

Bartender, 'Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?'

Pirate, 'We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook.
I'm fine, really.'

' Bartender 'What about that eye patch?'

Pirate, 'Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them **** in my eye.'

'You're kidding,' said the bartender, 'you lost an eye just from bird ****.'

Pirate, 'It was my first day with the hook.'

AT THE MOVIE THEATER

(Joke based on a true story)

The boyfriend thought it was a good idea to take advantage of the darkness to play a little with the girlfriend.

He touched her neck.

-To whom belongs this beautiful neck?
-To you my dear-, she answered giving him a kiss.

He touched her boobs.

-To whom belongs these two warm and delightful boobs?
-To you my honey honey-, she answered.

He played for a while with the waist area and forcing his hand he managed to get deep into her butt's area.

-To whom belongs this delicious butt?

She kept silence.

He, continuing watching the movie, asked her again.

-Babe, to whom belongs this butt?

She kept silence again.

At this time, looking at her, he raised up his voice a little bit, in order to be sure that she heard his question.

-Girl, I have asked you, to whom belongs this butt?

She still keeping her mouth shut watching the film.

He got angry, and screaming he asked one more time.

-To whom belongs this butt?!

A dude who was sitting on the back seat screamed as well:

-Hey!... turn the lights on!... somebody has found a butt!!!

Don't quit your day job, Carlos.

A Canadian, an American and a China man are stranded on a deserted island. The Canadian tells the others that he will be in charge of food. American volunteers to be in charge of water and the Chinese man says he will be in charge of supplies. They split up to do their jobs and decide to meet up later. When the Canadian and the American return, there is no sign of the Chinese man. Days pass by, but they still can't find their friend. One day as they are walking along a path, the Chinese man jumps from the bushes and yells "SUPPLIES!"

Oh Jane, it made me groan then I laughed.

Taken from Facebook:

A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

I was a very happy man.
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.
So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.
She couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom".
"If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment.
Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. e

Lord And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Paulie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.

He couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
'Welcome to the family my son…'
And the moral of this story is?









Always keep your condoms in your car.

omg that's so funny, Andy.

That's like the joke from the English tourist in Italy. He got pretty tanned after one week, but in anticipation of a hot date with a nice Signorina, he wanted his manhood get a tan too! So he buried himself in the sand and let his manhood stand out alone. After an hour or so he fell asleep only to be woken up by a sensation that someone grabbed his manhood . There was an old lady enthusiastically screaming: "For 40 years I've been searching and here they grow in the sand"

The punch line on the variation that I've heard goes something like "here they are growing wild and I'm too old to squat".

For some reason it reminds me of the old "somewhere to park your bike" joke.

This man walks into a bar. He sits on a bar stool & says to the bartender, "Hey jackass, bring me a shot."

The bartender brings him a shot. The man slams it down & yells again, "Hey jackass, bring me another shot," and gets up to go to the bathroom.

While the man is gone, another guy sitting at the bar asks the bartender, "Why do you let him call you that?"

The bartender responds, "He aw- He aw- He always calls me that."

A fisher man was catching fish standing over some big rocks on the shore, when suddenly he felt that somebody was tapping on his back with a finger.

He turned his face back but saw no one.

After a few minutes, the tapping feeling came back, and the fisherman turned his face back again, but saw nobody. He was very upset with the situation.

He decided to be on alert at this time, and as soon as he felt that somebody was tapping on his back with a finger, he turned his face back and saw a little green man running fast and hiding behind the rocks.

Hey! You! Come here! screamed the fisherman.

The little green humanoid came out from his hiding place and walked slowly to the man.

-Who are you? asked the fisherman surprised to see the color and the funny dress of the humanoid.

-Oh, I'm a Martian, said the other one.

-It can't be, our robots can't detect life in that planet.

-Well, as you can see we have learned to hide very well...

-OK, OK, but tell me, what are you doing here on earth?

-I just want to know how do you do when you have sex, said the little Martian with curiosity.

-Oh, look, we do it this way..., and the fisherman put his hands in front of him like holding another body, and he moved his groin area forward and backwards imitating the sexual act.

After he did so, he asked the little Martian.

-And how do you do in Mars when you have sex?

The little Martian said, -We do it this way...-, and he started tapping on the air with his finger.

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

What did the frog say to the librarian?

Reddit.

What kind of shoes do frogs wear?

Open toad!