Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

You're confused. Bad jokes should make you groan, not recoil. Some people shouldn't try to tell jokes, it appears you are one of them.

Love to chat, but I'm not getting paid for this, I'm not even getting a chuckle. Too much effort, no return equals bummed out.

- I had a date with an Irish girl last night.

- Galway?

- No, we just kissed.

My wife has gone to the Caribbean.

Jamaica?

No, she went of her own accord.


The old ones are the best, so they say.

OK, what I will say it might fix any misunderstanding. I write my jokes, you have the choice to ignore them, and I have the choice to read my own jokes and laugh myself of them.

I won't care about making me groan or whatever.

Happy?

ANOTHER VERSION OF THE SAME JOKE

In a therapy center, children with ataxia were encouraged by the doctor to clap their hands and receive as a reward an ice cream cone.

(This joke requires of your imagination, a lot)

The first one to be called was Mary. The girl concentrated herself to coordinate her arms and hands, and after separating them from her body in front of her, she made the motion to cause their encounter in the middle of their way.

But, one hand went up, the other hand went down. She tried the ruled three times for her participation but the same missing of clapping happened.

The next one was Daniel, who did the same as Charlotte. After locating his arms and hands in front of him, he tried to clap, but his hands went to disparate locations and wasn't able to collect the prize.

The other children had the same bad luck.

Now, it was the turn of Charlie, the one who had the worst condition, who also put his hands in front of him, had his minute of concentration, and pushing slowly and making a great effort, he managed to make an almost unnoticeable sound when he finally clapped once.

-Bravo! -exclaimed the teacher, -you have two more to go...-

Charlie, had his moment of concentration and tried it again. Slowly motion, great effort, his face turned red because the harder of this task, and the others heard the level sound "clap" one more time.

-Bravo! -exclaimed again the teacher, -one more clap and this delicious ice cream cone is yours!-

Charlie, looking at the ice cream was inspired to try it one more time. After concentrating, the hands at front, slowly motion, hard effort, his face red, his teeth grinding top against bottom, and the rest heard again the "clap" sound.

The teacher said.

He did it!!! He clapped three times!!!

And the rest of children stand up and say -Bravo!!! Hurray!!! while clapping strongly for a minute.

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub."

During a funeral for a woman who had henpecked her husband, drove her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made neurotics of their cat and dog with her explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder. "Well, at least we know she got there all right," commented her husband

I had a friend named Carol, from Kingston.

There was this guy we knew who every time he saw her would say "Carol, Jamaican me crazy!"

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed. He asked her if she knew his company,Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "Yes." Asked how she used it, she said, "To assist sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you've been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?" "Yes, we put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."

Heehee...

Yeah, that one made me chortle.

Reminds me of one of my favorite Little Johnny jokes:

Little Johnny runs for the bathroom and bursts in just as his mother is getting out of the shower. He stares right at her crotch and says: "What's that, Mommy." Flustered, she says: "Uh . . . that's my wash cloth, Johnny."

"Oh, i get it--so the neighbor lady is washing Daddy's face while you're at work."

If I can't have Anna in Cuba I'd like to see Esther in Spain.

Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that's a dog leash.

I just got a new winch installed on my boat.
I guess you can say that...
*looks directly into the camera*
This ship just got reel.

Those years of Spanish classes finally came in handy.

Here, in honor of FBM, a grammatical joke:

Mary Lou is a country girl, but she is intelligent and well-educated. One of her hometown friends has moved to New York, and she invites Mary Lou to come stay with her for a week, to see the big city.

Mary Lou arrives, and goes to the restaurant where she and her friend are to meet, but her friend is not there yet. She goes into the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, she see's a well-dressed woman sitting at the bar, and decides to be friendly . . .

Hi, my name is Mary Lou, and i'm from Missouri. Where are you from?

I am from a place where we don't end our sentences with prepositions.

? ? ?

I'm sorry . . . where are you from . . . BITCH?

As both a country boy and an Engrishee teacher, I appreciate that on a couple of levels.

Howsomever, it's been officially declared OK to dangle them prepositions, now.

OK, i know one more grammatical joke . . .

This guy flies into Logan airport, and is very excited, thinking of the wonderful seafood to be had in Boston. He jumps into a cab and tells the driver . . .

I'd like to go somewhere where i can get scrod.

Well i'll be damned . . . the pluperfect!