Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator...

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator with coordinates in every country.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the president.

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during
an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant
California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered
elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the
California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my
husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The! lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my
husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that
precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was
born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy
for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried. "Oh my God! What on earth
for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying,
'Who gives a ****?' I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious?"

!



One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like
it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he
>wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies
>and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only
>redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around
>the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
>
>Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating
>shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the
>women.
>
>At the height of the party, the host said, "I
>have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give
>a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump
>in."
>
>The words were barely out of his mouth when
>there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and
>saw Leroy in the pool!
>
>Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its butt!
>Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his
>thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds,
>biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator
>through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
>
>The water was churning and splashing everywhere. both
>Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
>
>Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to
>the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly
>climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring
>at him in disbelief.
>
>Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe
>you a million dollars,"
>
>"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
>
>The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something.
>You won the bet. How about half a million bucks
>then?"
>
>"No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy.
>
>The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you
>something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche
>and a Rolex and some stock options?"
>
>Again Leroy said no.
>
>Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what
>do you want?"
>
>Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbich who pushed
>me in the pool

Subject: Staten Island Story


A beautiful blonde young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to
end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she
could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped
her.
"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I'm off to
Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of
you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted
to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her
aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would
bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine
inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He
brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he's screwing
me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

You can now purchase Kosher computers. They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM. The price is low, even with the shipping from Israel. However, before you purchase a kosher computer, you should know that there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher computer you are used to, such as:



1) The 'Start' button has been replaced with the 'Let's go!! I'm not getting any younger!' button.

2) You hear 'Hava Nagila' during startup.

3) The cursor moves from right to left.

4) When Spell-checker finds an error it prompts, 'Is this the best you can do?'

5) When you look at erotic images, your computer says, 'If your mother knew you did this, she would die.'

6) It comes with a 'monitor cleaning solution' from Manischewitz that advertises it gets rid of all the 'schmutz und drek.'

7) When running 'Scan Disk' it prompts you with a 'You want I should fix this?' message.

8) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC goes 'Schloffen.'

9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

10) It comes with two hard drives-one for fleyshedik (business software and one for milchedik (games).

11) Instead of getting a 'General Protection Fault' error, your PC now gets 'Ferklempt.'

12) The multimedia player has been renamed to 'Nu, so play my music already!' corner.

13) When your PC is working too hard, you occasionally hear a loud 'Oy Gevalt!'


14) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup.

16) When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, you are instructed to 'Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus.'

17) After your computer dies, you have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

18) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get SPAM

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

au- If I don't get to the bathroom, fast..................................

I know that guy, he signs everything with "In Dog We Trust"

Oh, I used the wrong bad joke.....its supposed to be

"Dyslexic's labor workers.....untie"

Scientists who explain things on television should learn to speak without any ambiguity. On a nature progam about tarantulas I heard a scientist say, "The males must hurry if they wish to mate. In a few days, the females will be closing their holes because of the approaching winter."

What does DNA stand for?

National Association of Dyslexics.

I like that one, Imur, thanks!!!!!

A skeptical man went to see a fortune teller.
"Ah," the old woman murmured as she gazed into her crystal ball, "I see you are the father of two children."
"Thats what you think," said the the man scornfully, "I'm the father of three children."
"No," the fortune teller replied, "that's what you think."

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning
young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says
she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife.
"I've had enough, I want a divorce.
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean
no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany,
no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

An "extremely" unattractive, mean acting woman walks into Walmart with
her two kids. The Walmart Greeter does his thing and then asks, "Are they twins?"
The ugly woman says, "No, jackass, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger
one, she's 7. Why?........ Do you really think they look alike, you idiot?"
"No," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe you got laid twice."

Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic?

He used to lie awake at night and wonder if there really was a dog.

Horse, A Chicken & A Harley



On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.



Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

" When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!!!

Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing
some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house.

Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would
reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and
either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,
"Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Carol explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of them have the head on the wrong end,
and I throw them away."

Donna got completely upset and yelled, "You moron!
Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other
side of the house!"

-------------------------------

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death
in a drive-in movie?

They had gone to see, "Closed for the winter."

-------------------------------

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one
night with the tip of her index finger shot off.
"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked
her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde
replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit
suicide by shooting off your finger?"

"No, Silly," the blonde said. "First I put the gun to
my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6,000.00
for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the
chest."

"So then?" asked the Ã, doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, "I
just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm
not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: "This
is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in
my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

---------------------------

A blonde was driving home after a game, and got
caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered
with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair
shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and
blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the
dents would pop out.

So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and
knees, and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing
happened. So she blew a little harder, and still
nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her, and asked, "What are you
doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had
instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order
to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like
hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

-----------------------------

A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a
shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by
it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to
ask what it was.

The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps
hot things hot, and cold things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing....I 'm going
to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to
work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he
asked.

"Why, that's a thermos..... it keeps hot things hot
and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied..... .."Two popsicles and some
coffee."

------------------------------------

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes
out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the
matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a
phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you
go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and
rest."

"Thanks, but I'd be better off here I need to keep my
mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that
here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as
usual. A couple of hours pass, and the boss decides
to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office,
and sees the blonde crying hysterically. "What's so
bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.

"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a
horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!



_____

Boots.


A Lady went into a bar in Dallas and saw a cowboy with
his feet propped up on a table.

He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they
say about men with big feet being well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady.
Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and
let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she
spent the night with him. The next morning she
handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm
real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah
services before."

"Don't be flattered," she said "Take the money and buy yourself
some boots that fit."

A three-year-old boy was examining his
testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied .