Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Excellent!

Reminds me of the German knock knock joke.


(German accent)

Knock knock

Who's there?

Where are your papers?

Or the April Fools knock knock. One you can play on your mates.

April 1st comes around.......

You: Hey (insert name of mate here), I know an April Fool knock knock.

Mate : Really? How does it go?

You: You start.

They will then invarioubly say, without thinking....

Mate: knock knock

As quick as possible, you jump in with who's there?, and wait for the penny to drop.

OK, I'm gonna have to try that one...

Stolen from American Werewolf in London c1980, which undoubtedly stole it from somewhere else.

Did some research, the knock knock joke is nearly eighty years old
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knock-knock_joke

I started work in 1971 and it was certainly around then, as it was about the first prank played on me.
In those days it was known as the Irish knock knock joke, but PC has changed it to April Fool.

Another prank played on me at that time was being sent down the road to the other butchers and being told to ask them for a long weight, supposedly because my butcher boss had an unusually large side of beef to weigh.

Half an hour of shuffling my feet while the butchers and customers sniggered quietly, I realised that a long weight was exactly what I was getting. A verbal joke rather than written, obviously.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The Interrupting Cow.
The Interrup . . .
MOO!

Did you hear the one about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?

The very earliest one I remember was when I was about six or seven in the playground.

Knock knock

Who's there?

I one tap

I one tap who?

And everyone runs off screaming and holding their noses.

So he sat down on the sidewalk holding his head, as he thought he might have a concussion, and needed to collect himself. Another man came by and asked if the gentleman needed any assistance. Our friend said to the stranger, "I walked into a bar and now my head hurts very badly." The stranger, with a superior tone of voice replied, "Well, it's your own business if you want to drink so early in the day, but the fact you now have a headache is entirely your own fault. At least you are not driving under the influence, as not only is that illegal, but dangerous to yourself and others as well.

The man looked up, not understanding, and replied "I haven't been drinking, what do I look like, some kind of nefarious character? You must think I'm going to take this iron bar and go home and beat my wife and children with it."

Suddenly, both men looked at each other, and realized how they had misunderstood each other, and had a great laugh over it.

That night, both men related the story to their respective families, and everyone thought it was amusing, even the baby, sitting in his highchair and smiling around the zweiback he was sucking on.

Hey, actually that's not bad.

Now THAT, has all the elements of a really bad/good joke.

That belongs on the geek humor thread.

Yeah, I pondered that - but the pun swayed me.

I've just read an article in the paper saying that one in five people in the world are now Chinese.

There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.


(Tommy Cooper)

This is really a "bad joke".

The Captain of the small French Resistance heard that Nazis are using trains to send detainees and prisoners to their concentration camps.

He called his right man partisan.

"I want you to stop Nazis of using trains to transport detainees out of our town. Do not hesitate using all possible tactics. Here, you have money to acquire whatever is necessary. Our allies will arrive in seven days, and we must do something today. Go! Vive la France!"

The partisan departed and came back at night.

"Captain! Captain! Mission accomplished!"

The Captain asked him very interested, "and, did you buy dynamite to blow out the rails? Did you cause the train to explode?"

"No my Captain, I bought all the train tickets up to next week..."

I went to see the Doctor just after Christmas, and he said I was suffering from stress. He told me to relax by drinking a bottle of wine after a hot bath, but I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath!

He weighed me and said I was 5lbs too heavy, and put me on the whisky diet. Last week I lost three days.

TWO TREES AND A WOODPECKER

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but
here is one:


Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small
tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that
tree a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'


The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the
sapling.


The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that
is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'


The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither
a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of
ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

An RAF Battle of Britain Squadron Leader was asked by the local Women's Institute to come and talk about his time flying Spitfires.

During the talk, he told them about his first encounter with the enemy.

"I was flying above Dover one day when I was jumped by two Fockers"

The Chairlady rushed over and snatched the microphone. "Before we go on, I must explain that Focker is a make of German aeroplane", and handed the mic back to the Suaddron Leader.

He looked puzzled but quickly regained his composure and continued.

"Yes, German aeroplanes. These two fockers were Mescherschmidts ...now where was I....?

After losing the whole guerrilla group, only the Captain and his right hand partisan survived a heavy Nazi attack. They run to a safe area while the Captain was recovering from severe wounds.

The Captain gave the binoculars of the partisan, two rifles, some ammunition, and gave him orders to watch if the enemy is near.

"Captain! Captain"... I can see the enemy!
"Are they little or big?"
"Little, my Captain".
"OK, rest for a while. Return back to your duties in 30 minutes."

The Partisan did so. After 30 minutes, using the binoculars he saw the enemy again.

"Captain! Captain!... I can see the enemy again."
"Are they little or big?"
"Little, my Captain".
"Very well, we still have more time. Rest 15 minutes, and after that return back to your duties."

After the 15 minutes the Captain's right hand partisan used the binoculars again.

"Captain! Captain! ... I can see the enemy!
"Are the little or big?"
"Big, mi Captain."
"Then, charge the rifles and shoot and kill the most of them that you can!
"I can't do that my Captain", said the partisan with affliction.
"Why?!"
"Because I know them since they were little..."