Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

That's called failure, if you had a sense of humour you'd know that.

The same amateur French Resistance dude was in charge of surveying for enemies. Using the binoculars saw troops coming toward them.

"Captain! Captain! Troops are coming, and are lots of them!!!

The Captain approached the man and asked him, "are they friends or enemies?"

Looking thru the binoculars the heroic partisan responded, "I think they are friends my Captain, because they all come together..."

Well, it's not that bad, failing because ignorance of others is not much of importance.

Ha! I hadn't thought of the expression "shaggy dog story" in years.

That's exactly the case with carlos.

Carlos, please read the following link, explaining what a shaggy dog story is...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shaggy_dog_story

The essence (to me) of a good joke is that it pops. A person can be an excellent writer of prose, but suck at jokes. You've got to get that funny bit out, BAM, and the joke ends there. Not with a fading off with more words after the bit that was actually funny.

Moving on....

Actually a shaggy dog story can sometimes work if you're familiar with the person telling it.

Wally and I are friends with a man, Jim, who lives far away and occassionally comes to visit his son and grandkids, who live next door. Jim is one of the best men you could ever hope to meet. Just a great guy. One of his personality traits is that he's totally sincere, 100% of the time. This causes him, unbeknownst to him to be inadvertantly funny.

All you have to do is say to him "Jim, tell us about the hushpuppies" and he launches into this long winded tale we've heard 20 times that wanders hither and yon, that just developes a life of its own. What would amount to a slightly amusing story of maybe 20 seconds goes on for 10 minutes or more. I'll ususally end up with tears in my eyes laughing by the end of it.

It pleases Jim no end that we think he's so funny. It's funny because we love him.

Thanks for trying to explain it Carlos but I still don't get it. But I do like the 'they must be friends' joke.

Am I just reading it wrong or is it written innefficiently? First guy sees the soldiers. The second guy sees the soldiers. It's not about me finding it funny, I literally can't see anything that looks like it might be a punchline.

You guys are beating a dead joke.

Neither can I, Hinge.

And the "explanation" did not help.

Man walks in to a Pet Shop.

"I'd like to buy a wasp please", he says.

"Sorry Sir, we don't sell wasps", replies the shopkeeper.

"Well you have two in the window".

Woman walks by a Pet Shop and sees a sign in the window.

Pussy licking frog for hire, £5 an hour.

She walks on, curious as to what a pussy licking frog would feel like, but too embarrassed to go in and ask.

She passes the Shop every day for a week, getting ever more excited and curious to take it further, but chickening out at the last moment.

On day eight she takes a deep breath and approaches the shop. The sign is still there. She hadn't misread it. Pussy licking frog for hire, £5 an hour.

She takes another deep breath, pushes in through the door and approaches the man behind the counter.

He turns and smiles. "Bonjour Madame, can I 'elp you?"

That doesn't belong here. It's too funny for a Bad Jokes thread.

If your joke is particularly niche you shouldn't be posting it on a general jokes thread. People have to be able to relate to something to find it funny.

But he says 'ten thousand four'

It's not a joke. Not even the groan factor of a bad joke.

Really? Lol

The partisan first said he saw "ten thousand four" as the number of enemies. The Captain can't believe that exact number to be counted just by using binoculars. The Captain looked thru the binoculars and see thousands of enemy troops approaching. The Captain asked how the hell the partisan says the enemies are "ten thousand four", and the partisan explains: Four are the enemy advance troops, and behind them and still far away are about ten thousand more.

________________________________________________

The French Resistance partisans detected some Nazis arriving to their town and decided to attack them in a man to man fight. As training was not their best, the Germans hit the poor partisans like a father punishing his rebellious son.

Returning back to their hidden place in the forest, the Captain saw them coming sad with tears in their eyes.

"What have happened?!" asked the Captain with militaristic accent.

"We have lost the battle", answered the partisans.

The Captain reacted with surprise.

And, what are you waiting for? Call for more volunteers, and go and find it!

Am I right in guessing that you are French, Carlos?

I know that Carlos is more Spanish, but you tell jokes with the same aplomb as my French Sis in Law, so it set me thinking.



Example. My French s-i-l telling a joke. Just read it with a French accent.

Ahem.

A man walks into a bar and says "ouch" because it was not a bar where they sell beer, but an iron bar, and it hurt his head.

Two baby seals walk into a club.

Noooooooooooooo!

I think I see it now but calling it a joke as is, is a stretch. 'Thousands' as opposed to ten thousand isn't much of a motivation for the Capitan's bewilderment. Four in the vanguard sure - but the ten thousand at the back is clearly a guess. It just doesn't work at any level for me.

At least the lost battle wordplay makes internal sense.

Ha - that is reminiscent of the 'German' jokes.



Knock, knock.
Who's there?
The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband is in
hospital.

A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly
low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her
drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out
and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.

A man walking into a hospital notices a prominent surgeon and his surgical resident down on their hands and knees digging in one of the flower beds. He goes over to them and asks, “Can I help? Did you lose something?”
“No,” says one of the surgeons, “We’re about to do a heart transplant on a individual health insurance executive and we’re looking for a suitable stone.”

A man walks into a bar and orders a pint of lager and a pork pie.

He then drinks the pint in one go, pays, then puts the pork pie on his head and walks out, leaving the barman flabbergasted.

Next day, same thing. Drinks in one go, pays, then walks out with the pie on his head.

On the third day, the barman is determined to find out why.

The man walks in and orders a pint and a pork pie.

The barman looks across at the pie cabinet as he's pulling the pint. "Sorry, we're out of pork pies, will a Cornish Pastie do?". The man nods.

Having served him, the barman stood and watched as the man drank his lager, placed his money on the bar and put the pastie on his head. He was just about to turn and walk out, but the barman called him back.

"Each day this week, you've driven me crazy with your routine and it's got the better of me. Why oh why are you walking out of my pub with a Cornish Pastie on your head?"

"Because you have no pork pies", came the reply.