Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.



At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of the countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.



He then asked "Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."

You could have heard a pin drop.

Aussie Humor




A New Zealander, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on an unhabited island. After being there for awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Kiwi took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the Kiwi had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to the evening ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear....

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

I agree!

P.S. This is the place for BAD jokes, au1929! lol That one was too good!

Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish people for
the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years,
Ariel Sharon, then Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to
the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders, or their representatives, to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews.

The Pope met his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.

"Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world."

The Pope thought about this and, since he had never held a golf club in his life, asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"

"None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We could offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of co-operation, we will also win the match."

Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed,

"I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods."

CALENDARS

According to the Jewish calendar, the year is 5765.

According to the Chinese calendar, the year is
4702.


That means that for 1,063 years the Jewish
people went without Chinese food.

Didn't the Chinese invent food??

I'm sure some of you men can totally relate. My husband said he sure could


A University of Tennessee football fan is drinking in a New York bar,
when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear
to ear, and
orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar, announcing his wife
has just given birth to a typical baby boy for a UT grad weighing
25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
the Tennessee fan shrugs and replies, "That's about
average back home, folks, like I said, my boy's a typical Knoxville
baby boy. Gonna be a football player for Tennessee, Go Vols, Go"
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid many exclamations of
"WOW!" One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say,
aren't you the father of that Tennessee baby that weighed 25 pounds at
birth?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So,
how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little suspicious. "What
happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"

The proud UT alumnus takes a slow swig of his beer, wipes his lips
on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had
him circumcised."

<Faints from sympathy pains.>

Heard this one in church this morning:

Three men, a Buddhist, a Jew and a Catholic, died and went to Heaven at the same time. Brought before God, they waited to hear their sins listed and judgment pronounced. But God simply asked each one the same question - 'If you could go back to Earth what would you do?'

'Ah' said the Buddhist, 'I would strive for peace among all peoples.'

'And I' said the Jew 'would do everything I could to wipe out poverty in the world.'

'Me?' said the Catholic, 'I would look for a better doctor.'

The Blonde and her window.

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive,
double-pane energy-efficient kinds.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago
and I had not paid for them yet.

Helloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid.

So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told me
last year... Namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
themselves!

Helloooo"? (I told him). "It's been a year"!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
hung up....

He hasn't called back since, probably too embarrassed.

Old Timers Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

"We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, 'I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.'

I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.'

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the
most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, 'this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.'

So, as the couple passes, he says to them," Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Israeli leader Ehoud Olmert comes to Washington for meetings with
George Bush and for a State Dinner. Laura Bush decides to bring in a
special kosher chef and have a truly Jewish meal prepared in honor of their
guest.

At the dinner that night, the first course is served and it is matzoh ball
soup.

George W looks at this and, after learning what it is called, he tells an
aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew.

The aide says that Mr. Olmert will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste
it.

Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all he ate a sheep's eye in
honor of his arab guests), George W gingerly lowers his spoon into
the bowl and retrieves a piece of matzoh ball and some broth.
He hesitates, swallows, and a grin appears on his face. He finds he
really likes it, digs right in, and finishes the whole bowl.

"That was delicious," he says to Olmert. "Do the Jews eat any other
part of the matzoh, or just the balls ?"

Too good for this thread, au!

#1

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

#2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

#3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

#4
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever! A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles empathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

John Jones always believed that the way to a happy, long life was to sprinkle gunpowder over his breakfast cereal every day. He kept this practice up all of his life. When he finally died at the age of 110, he left behind four children, eleven grandchildren, twenty-two great-children, and a twelve foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

I've a sneaking suspicion (you can tell because it looks guilty and keeps looking over its shoulder) that you made that up.