From Eorl on twitter
An insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded. I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.
As good as this bar is, said the Scotsman, I still prefer the pubs back home In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink.
Well, Angus, said the Englishman, at my local in Fleet, the Prince of Wales, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.
Ahhh, dat's nothin', said the Irishman, back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Did this actually happen to you? they asked.
Not meself, personally, no, admitted the Irishman, but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.
@hingehead,
Gotta try to remember that one!
@Region Philbis,
I can't believe you had the nerve to post that!!
@Region Philbis,
But.....that may win the bronze for "really bad jokes."
...or copper.
A guy was happy after receiving his glass eye. He put it on and went to work. His friends celebrated his new appearance replacing the pirate black cover he used before.
He added another glass of water with a solution to the other night stand besides his bed, to deposit his new glass eye every night.
On Friday he got so drunk, that at 3: am woke up thirsty as hell. Half awake half sleeping he drunk first the usual glass of water and later the glass of water with the solution and the glass eye.
On the next day, he woke up to find out that his glass eye was missing.
-Perhaps it fell out when I was coming home- he thought.
But, in the following days, he started to have big trouble defecating. Every time he went to the bathroom, a thin and long excrement came out after big efforts, so he decided to visit a doctor.
The doctor heard the symptoms and told him to pull down his pants, to bend and show his butt.
The doctor used a light on his headband, rolled his chair towards the patient, and exclaimed an expression of surprise.
-Nurse! Nurse!, please... quick!... come here and see this...
The nurse approached the location of the doctor and her face was also paralyzed because the surprise.
-It's unbelievable.
-Yes, -emphasized the doctor- it's unbelievable... I have 25 years looking at butts, but this is the first time when a butt is looking at me...
@cicerone imposter,
I think it's right up there in the 'silver' category, c.i.
@Lustig Andrei,
We all have our bad joke faves, and phil's belong in the medal round, but silver? LOL
Two fish were going around and around inside a small fish bowl for years.
Suddenly, one of them said to the other:
-Do you have plans for Tuesday night?
I'd tell a gay joke, butt **** it.
(not mine, just a C&P)
A woman at the grocery store went to the register with these items in her cart:
* a carton of eggs
* a quart of orange juice
* a head of romaine lettuce
* a 2 lb. can of coffee
* a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're uglier than ****".
The old farmer had a big dog running loose around the property all day long.
The neighbor was a woman who's business was growing chicken to sell the birds and the eggs.
There were no fences between the two properties, and the chicken were continually crossing to the old farmer land. The woman approached to the old man who was sitting under a tree resting from a very busy morning.
-You have to put your dog on a leash. Your big dog with his huge mouth is eating my chicken, do you hear? You have a big dog with a tremendous mouth with gigantic teeth and he is eating my chicken... you have to put your dog on a leash...
The old farmer rose his hat a little bit to watch what was going on around and saw the woman's chicken walking freely in his property, and returning back to rest under the shadow of the tree, he simply answered,
-And, why you don't put your chicken on leashes?
@carloslebaron,
This shepherd has a talking sheepdog, Charlie. One night, sitting in his yard, he calls the dog over.
"Charlie, go down to the bottom field and round up the sheep, will you? Herd them into the pen next to the field."
Charlie goes off and comes back ten minutes later.
"All done, boss," he says and curls up at the shepherd's feet.
"How many sheep in the pen?" asks the shepherd.
"Forty."
"Forty? But there were only 38 this morning!"
"Well, you told me to round them up ..."
@spikepipsqueak,
A guy loved eating row eggs, so he found a job delivering eggs from a farm to the area stores. In the middle of the way he filled up the vehicle with gas while eating the row eggs by making a tiny hole with a needle and leaving no marks of his actions.
People who bought the egg cartons and found the empty eggs made complaints to the stores, and the stores called the attention to the farmer about the situation.
The farmer took action immediately.
He used a whistle and all the roosters of his farm presented themselves in front of the owner forming a long line.
The owner with a megaphone asked:
-OK, so this is it, step forward or rise up your wing... who is the one wearing condoms when mating with the hens?!!!
@carloslebaron,
This might've worked better if I didn't know anything about poultry.
