Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

David Letterman offers a half-ass joke that a man in Tennessee was arrested
for having sex with an ATM. Letterman said that Don Sterling 's mistress
had been doing the same thing, whereupon a musician ventured
that he heard that the prisoner came into some money.

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things .....
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was
that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion ... "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then
it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun
and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be
proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then
pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's
back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night.
I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all
over again".

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere near Mildura."

That's too funny to be baaaaad..

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just passing by. He gets into the taxi and the driver says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank. Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to use. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank could do everything right."
Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.”

The AMA has weighed in on our Treasurer's proposed changes Australia’s health services

The Allergists voted to scratch them, but the

Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the

Neurologists thought he had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt he was labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the ideas short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the

Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the ideas were madness, while the

Radiologists could see right through them.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of
the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.

The Pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the

Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the

Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the ideas were a gas, but the

Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the
arseholes in parliament!

whats the worst part of having sex?
when she wakes up.....

Rape jokes....really!?
Not funny.

I know this is an old post, but since I just started checking it, I've been backing down the time line. So here's how I first heard this joke:

A group of nursing home patients were in the recreation room, chatting. As the men and women exchanged small talk one old man chatted up the lady to his left. He said I bet you cannot tell how old I am, she surprised him by saying oh I bet you $10 I can tell your age. The old man was astounded but took the bet. She unzipped his pants and slid her hand in and quietly examined the inside for awhile. When she removed her hand, she zipped his pants up and announced, you're 92. The old man was flabbergasted, and asked how did know? And she answers, well you told me yesterday. TA DA

The judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and
asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied,"About four acres
and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.
""No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of thiscase?" "It is
made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband'sparents."
The judge said, "Do you have a real grudge?" -

"No," she replied, "We have atwo-car carport and havenever really needed one."
"Please,"he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your
marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don'tnecessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," sheresponded,
"about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a
divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I'venever wanted a
divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

its titled "really bad jokes" and that was a really bad joke

Rape jokes are not funny.,. at all! And what people here are letting you know is that there are people who this offends. The title of the thread doesn't say offensive asshole jokes - just bad jokes.

You got that right! Some people's idea about jokes goes beyond the pale; they show their ignorance.

fair enough, point was already made, your input unnecessary

No; it was necessary for Ragman to repeat it. Dense people need repetition to understand what's not acceptable - in this country or any where.

Agree.

interesting, i hope you now understand

You're like cj (ice brain), oral boy, and several others who's only response can't respond to the accusations, and attempts to turn it around.

That's not even sophistry; it's infantile.

Try to make an attempt to at least challenge what I say, and why it's wrong. Otherwise, grow up!

Alright, I hope I haven't used this before, but I'm slogging thru all the jokes and I'm irritating mr. GB but laughing out loud and forcing him to listen to be reread the jokes that struck me funny. So here's my pathetic attempt at humor:

Question: if you had a 10 inch penis growing out of you forehead, how much of it would you be able to see?

Answer: none of it, your testicles would cover your eyes.

TA DA

why?