Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,
Watching the front door of the brothel across the road.


The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites dem odder religions are?"


No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,
Knocks, and goes inside.


"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi
When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door


"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.
"One of the girls must have died.”

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

I got a job as a window cleaner but it gave me a pane in the head so I tried being a miller but it ground me down.

One day Steve's mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine.

This was highly upsetting to her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home.

When Steve's father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, "THIS is what I found in your son's closet."

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

After an uncomfortable minute of silence she finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I DON'T think you should spank him."

Too good! But I guess that is bad.

Glad to see Viz's doctor jokes have made an appearance. Here's another one.

Young Kenny, a hillbilly who moved to Texas, bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. But the next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well, then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny said , "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.00."
The farmer said, Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."
Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron.

A very elderly man dodders into a police station, and walks up to the desk sergeant . . .

"I want to report an assault."

"Well, that's what we're here for. Were you assaulted?"

"Yes--i was walking through that park a couple of blocks north of here, and i was in that little wood by the duck pond when two big, young women jumped out, threw me to the ground, pulled down my pants and had their way with me .. . repeatedly!"

The desk sergeant stifles a smile, and turns to pull open a drawer, tipping a nod and a wink to the police officers in the squad room. He gets out a form and a pen . . .

"I'll need to fill out a report. When did this happen, old-timer?"

"It was April of 1947 . . . but i still like to recall it."

Vonny, that's not a bad one.

The next, on the other hand, is sad instead of bad to me, but you couldn't know about that re me. My mother walked twice to my aunt's, once missing aunt's house and walking to the major Los Angeles airport, and a month or two later, to a police station in downtown L.A., pretty lucid in between. I didn't know about alzheimer's then, but maybe the cartoonist knew about it and was riffing. Which, if so, makes it an interesting cartoon. And if not, makes it bad. Or maybe vice versa.

Matt's father picked him up after school and asked, "So how did the school play tryouts go? Did you get a part?"
Matt enthusiastically announced that he indeed did get a part in the play. "I play a man who's been married for 50 years," he said.
"That's great son," the father replied. "Keep up the good work and before you know it, you'll get a speaking part."

A wife is scrambling eggs when her husband bursts into the kitchen.
"Careful," he cries. "Be Careful! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They're going to stick! Careful! Now scramble them again! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Don't forget to salt them. You always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"
The wife turns and asks, "What is wrong with you?"
Her husband calmly replies, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
“Yes, I'm afraid so,” the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering then, just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked “No Refills.”

"Revenge will be mine, Mr. Bond, when we meet in small claims court."

At a convent in Ireland, the 92-year-old Mother Superior was in her last few days of life. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her final journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bedside, she held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop. As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "Don't sell that cow!"

Two ‘sisters’ of a strict religious order were shopping at a local convenience store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one said to the other, "wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"
The second answered, "indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."
"I can handle that without a problem," the first sister replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out counter.
The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two sisters arrived with a six-pack of beer.
"We use beer for washing our hair," the sister said. "Back at our facility, we call it special shampoo.”
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked at the sister, winked, and said, "the curlers are on the house."