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Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

 
 
Dutchy
 
  1  
Reply Mon 21 May, 2007 09:45 pm
Pleased you had a laugh Mame, heard that one around the BBQ last night. Laughing
0 Replies
 
nimh
 
  1  
Reply Tue 22 May, 2007 01:27 pm
Merry Andrew wrote:
Rene Descrates walks into a bar and orders a beer. He drinks it down. The bartender asks, "Have another one?" Descartes says, "I think not," and -- poof! -- immediately disappears.

<grrooaann>

(but in a good way Smile
0 Replies
 
nimh
 
  1  
Reply Tue 22 May, 2007 01:32 pm
Merry Andrew wrote:
But the son pauses and asks, "Is she also good in bed?"

After a long pause, the marriage broker answers, "Some say yes...some say no."

Hehhehheh.. that one was too good for this thread :wink:
0 Replies
 
au1929
 
  1  
Reply Tue 22 May, 2007 04:06 pm
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband
is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly,
sees them and hides in the bedroom closet .


The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in
the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.


The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice"
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My Dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250"
Man: "Sold"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and
the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How
much?"
Boy: "$750"
Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, "Grab your
glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The Dad asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy: "$1,000"

The Dad says, "That's terrible to over charge your friends
like that...that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm taking you to church, to confession."
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit
in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that **** again; you're in my
closet now
0 Replies
 
Dutchy
 
  1  
Reply Tue 22 May, 2007 11:41 pm
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says "hello".

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says,

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on
the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my
butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

"No, I'm your son's teacher."
0 Replies
 
Clary
 
  1  
Reply Wed 23 May, 2007 03:21 pm
I LIKE that one, D!
0 Replies
 
au1929
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 May, 2007 09:55 am
A man arrives at Ben Gurion International Airport in Israel with two large bags. A customs agent stops him, opens one bag and finds it full with money in different currencies.

The agent asks the passenger: "How did you get this money?"

The man says: "You will not believe it, but I travelled all over Europe and went into all the public restrooms that I could. Each time I saw a man pee, I grabbed his organ and said, 'Donate money to Israel or I will cut off your balls.'"

The customs agent is stunned and mumbles: "Well...it's a very interesting story... What do you have in the other bag?"

The man says: "You would not believe how many people in Europe do not support Israel...."
0 Replies
 
au1929
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 May, 2007 09:59 am
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a
> party. After several drinks, one of the men left to use the restroom.
> The three who remained talked about their kids.
>
> The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
> successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and
> Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and
> now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave
> his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
>
>
> The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and
> joy. He started working for a big airline, t hen went to flight school
>to
> become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he
> owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best
> friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
>
>
> The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
> universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
> construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
> something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A
> 30,000 square foot mansion."
>
> The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
> from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One
> of the three said: "W e were talking about the pride we feel for the
> successes of our sons. .What about your son?"
>
>
> The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
> stripper at a nightclub."
>
> The three friends said: "What a shame... w hat a disappointment."
> The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love
> him. And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks
> ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new
> jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.
0 Replies
 
au1929
 
  2  
Reply Thu 24 May, 2007 10:01 am
Subject: Fw: Honey Lifesavers?



A teacher was doing a study testing the taste senses of first graders,
using a bowl of Lifesavers.

The children began the study and as they received a Lifesaver candy
responded;

"Red.............cherry,"

"Yellow.........lemon,"

"Green..........lime,"

" Orange ......orange,"

Then the teacher gave each of them a honey Lifesavers. After eating the
candy, it was obvious most of the kids were not familiar with honey and
none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," she said; "I'll give you all a clue; it's what your mother may
sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit out the remains of her Lifesaver
and screeched; "Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!!!!
0 Replies
 
au1929
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 May, 2007 02:51 pm
Amish Girl
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy
one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body
heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands
warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding in the buggy with her
boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl
replied, "Here, put them between my legs. The warmth of my
body will warm them up." He was surprised but did and it
warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with
the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."
The girl replied "then put it between my legs. The warmth
of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.
The now excited boyfriend thinking fast said, "Gosh my penis
is frozen solid"
The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with
her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard
of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you
ask?"
The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when
they defrost, don't they?"
0 Replies
 
au1929
 
  1  
Reply Sun 27 May, 2007 04:13 pm
The Irish










Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------








Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------





Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------





An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------





Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------





Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
0 Replies
 
au1929
 
  1  
Reply Sun 27 May, 2007 04:15 pm
Hillary and Bill

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that
she's pregnant. She is furious... Here she is in the middle of her first run
for President, and as Senator for New York, this has happened to her.

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming:
"How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you
go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can't believe this! I just found
out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault! Your fault!

Well, what have you got to say?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.

She screams again, "Did you hear me?"

Finally she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice. In a barely audible
whisper, he asks:



"Who is this speaking please?"
0 Replies
 
Dutchy
 
  1  
Reply Sun 27 May, 2007 08:59 pm
My kind of woman!

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and
said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs
in order.

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room, where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate
when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't well. I have
cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some
of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were
celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I have
been diagnosed with AIDS ,"The friends gave the woman their condolences, and
they had a couple of more martinis.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered,
"Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your
friends you were dying of AIDS."

The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father
after I'm gone.
0 Replies
 
au1929
 
  1  
Reply Tue 29 May, 2007 02:21 pm
Subject: Fw: the Pharmacist






> Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. > Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
>
> Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
>
> Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook." He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.

I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.
0 Replies
 
au1929
 
  1  
Reply Tue 29 May, 2007 02:49 pm
Subject: The Priest and the Chickens


The priest in a small Irish village loved his chickens that he kept in the coop behind the church.
One Sunday morning before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about the cock fights in the village, so he decided to question his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked his congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no, that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up!
"No, no, no, that wasn't what I meant. What I really really mean is, has anybody seen MY cock?"
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
0 Replies
 
nimh
 
  1  
Reply Tue 29 May, 2007 02:55 pm
Quote:
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.


Hehhehheh
0 Replies
 
au1929
 
  1  
Reply Thu 31 May, 2007 07:19 am
sexual Harassment

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a woman at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair Smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith. The midget."
0 Replies
 
au1929
 
  1  
Reply Thu 31 May, 2007 07:20 am
Subject: The Media
Two boys in Boston were playing baseball when one of them was attacked by a
killer Rottweiler. The dog had already locked his jaws on the boys legs.
Thinking quickly, the other boy ripped a board off of a nearby fence,
wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.
A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and
rushed over to interview the boy.
The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the
headline, 'Brave Boston Red Sox Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious
Animal.'
"But I'm not a Boston Red Sox fan," the little hero interjected. "Sorry"
replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, I just assumed you
were."
Hitting the delete key, the reporter began again, "John Kerry Fan Rescues
Friend From Horrific Dog Attack"
"But I'm not a John Kerry fan either," the boy responds. The reporter says,
"I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Red Sox, John Kerry,
or Ted Kennedy . What team or person do you like?''.
"I'm a Texas Ranger fan, and I really like George W.
> Bush" the boy says.

Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again: "Arrogant Little
Republican Bastard Kills
Beloved Family Pet."
0 Replies
 
au1929
 
  1  
Reply Thu 31 May, 2007 07:22 am
LADY GOLFER


Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their

Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favorite

moment of the week. Then one of the lawyers was

transferred to an office in another city. It wasn't

quite the same without him.


A new woman lawyer joined their law firm. One day she

overheard the remaining three talking about their golf

round at the coffee table.


Curious, she spoke up, "You know, I used to play on my

golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you

mind if I joined you next week?"


The three lawyers looked at each other. They were

hesitant. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the

spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they

would be starting pretty early, at 6:30 am.


He figured the early Tee-Time would discourage her

immediately. The woman said this might be a problem,

and asked if she could possibly be up to 15 minutes

late. They rolled their eyes, but said this would be

okay.


She smiled, and said, "Good, then I'll be there either

at 6:30 or 6:45." She showed up right at 6:30, and

wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was

a fun and pleasant person the entire round. The guys were

impressed! Back in the clubhouse they congratulated

her and happily invited her back the next week.


She smiled, and said, "Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or

6:45." The next week she again showed up at 6:30

Saturday morning. Only this time,

she played left-handed. The three lawyers were

incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an

even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. By

now the guys were totally amazed, but wondered if she

was just trying to make them look bad by beating them

left-handed.


They couldn't figure her out. She was again very

pleasant and didn't seem to be showing them up, but

each man began to harbor a burning desire to beat her!


In the third week they all had their game faces on.

But this week she was 15 minutes late! This had the

guys irritable because each was determined to play the

best round of golf of his life, to beat her.


As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival

was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she

showed up.


This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which

was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of

them.


However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of

their strong play; it was hard to hold a grudge

against her. This woman was a riddle no one could

figure out!


Back in the clubhouse she had all three guys shaking

their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers

after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally, one of the

men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked

her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to

golf right-handed or left-handed?"


The lady blushed, and grinned. She said, "That's easy.

When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was

ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and

forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got

married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude.


From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before

I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull

the covers off him. If his You-know-what was pointing

to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it

was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.


All the guys on the team thought this was hysterical

" Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back,

"But what if it pointed straight up in the air?"


She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
0 Replies
 
old europe
 
  1  
Reply Sat 2 Jun, 2007 01:56 pm
On the way to the Olympic stadium I met a guy on the train who was carrying a very, very, very long and thin bag and wearing a tracksuit.

I wondered what might be in the strange bag and then it occured to me, so I asked: "Excuse me, are you a pole-vaulter?".

He replied: "Nein, I am Cherman. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
0 Replies
 
 

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