Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

An Englishman, a German and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.

The German was first in line, he thought for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back. This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done the German had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the German in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The Englishman was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness," the Englishman replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

The Englishman smiled and said, "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

The new CEO was determined to rid the company of all slackers.



On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."



Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"



From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

A new sign in the company cafeteia says:

Firings will continue until morale improves.

that's a classic...

> A good looking man walked into an
> agent's office in Hollywood and said, "I want to be
> a movie star."
>
>
>
> Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the
> right credentials.
> The agent asked, "What's your
> name?"
>
>
> The guy replied, "My name is Penis van
> Lesbian."
>
>
>
> The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but
> in
> order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change
> your name."
>
>
> "I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is
> centuries old, I will
> not disrespect my Grandfather by changing my name. Not
> ever."
>
>
>
> The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for
> years. You will NEVER
> go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian!
> I'm telling you, you
> will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to
> represent you."
>
>
>
> "So be it! I guess we will not do business
> together," the guy said
> and he left the agent's office.FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent
> opens
> an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a
> letter and a cheque
> for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly
> send him $50,000? He
> reads the letter enclosed...
>
>
>
> Dear Sir,
>
> Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an
> actor in
> Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name.
> Determined to make it with
> my God-given birth name, I refused.
>
>
>
> You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name
> like Penis van
> Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you
> said. I decided you
> were right. I had to change my name (a little). I had too
> much pride to return
> to your office, so I signed with another agent.
> I would never have
> made it without
> changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my
> appreciation.
> Thank you for your
> advice.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Sincerely,
>
> Dick van Dyke

Oldie but a goody for Frank Apisa:




"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

An old cop is working the St. Patrick's Day Parade, taking it easy, looking forward to a few beers after work--and then he notices a crowd gathering right in the middle of the parade route. He hurries over, sees everyone looking up, and sees a young man standing on a ledge outside a window . . .

Son, son, don't jump, T'ink of the grief it will cause yer sainted mother.

She was killed last week in an auto wreck!

But, but . . . t'ink of yer lovely sister!

She was driving the car!

But . . . but . . . t'ink of the Blessed Virgin Mary!

Who?

The Blessed Virgin Mary!

Who's that?

. . .

Look, jump ya Protestant bastard, and get it over with. Yer holdin' up the parade!

So bad! So it is good.

That's more mean than bad.

Not meant to be mean - it's just a joke!

There are such things as mean jokes, though...

I'm English - we are used to being the butt of jokes -
I'm disabled - we are used to being the butt of jokes -
I'm female - we are used to being the butt of jokes -

I like jokes - I dislike mean jokes - I don't post what I consider to be mean jokes!

I don't think that Vonny has a mean bone in her body.
I'm guessing that you are French. Would you still think she was mean if it had been the German who was the butt of the joke?

I'm French and we're also used to be the butt of jokes. What I find rather mean and gratuitous is that those guys shared a drink, so one assumes they are buddies, but once victimized by the Saudis, one victim suddenly turns against another victim, without any reason. Maybe if you'd replace the French guy with a black guy, and the Englishman with a white guy, you'd see the joke differently?

I'm not accusing Vonny of being intentionally mean. Just saying the joke is more mean than bad, as I see it...

I heard a similar joke where sometimes a German, sometimes a Scot, refuses anything on his back, and takes his punishment without a whimper. Then when the Englishman is asked what he wants on his back he say the German/Scot.

Those jokes were very prominent in the 1970s, when racist jokes of all types were de rigueur, now they're not so popular.

Jokes don't stand up well to analysis. English, French, German, Russian, American, Arab, Australian - we are all the same, just ordinary people trying to get on with life. Racist joke? Never even crossed my mind. There is an age-old rivalry with French/English one-upping each other - my own sister-in-law lives in France and we hear many jokes about one another - all meant in good fun.

Start analysing all the jokes on this thread and do we start complaining because they are about religion - or sexist jokes about blondes - or animals or dentists or lawyers - and so it goes on?

I think blonde jokes fall into the same category as racist jokes. It's quite possible to be funny without attacking a particular demographic. The best comedians are self deprecating.