Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

In retrospect, I should have said that my 1999 Ford Mark X3R had blown a gasket instead of saying that I'd buggered my fourteen year old Escort.

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? “The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize. “How?" asks the man, puzzled. “Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."

1. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

2. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

3. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

4. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

5. The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

6. I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

7. I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

8. Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

9. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

10. There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

A blonde and red head are walking in the woods when then red head has a heart attack and falls to the ground. Shocked, the blonde takes out her phone and calls the police and she shouts, "I think my friend is dead what do I do?". The policeman on the phone says, "Calm down and listen to me. First make sure that she really is dead." There is a silence. Then a loud gunshot. The blonde gets back on the phone and says, "Okay, now what?"

Oooh, that reminds me......


If the answer is "Cock Robin", what is the question?


Answers on a postcard........

A blonde walked into a shop and asked "how much is that tv in the back?"
The shopkeeper replied "sorry I don't serve blondes."
The blonde went away and dyed her hair brown and went back the very next day and asked again.
The shopkeeper said "sorry I don't serve blondes."
The blonde went away, dyed her hair blue, went back the next day and asked once again.
The shopkeeper replied "sorry I don't serve blondes."
The blonde asked "how can you tell that I'm blonde?"
The shopkeeper replied "that's not a tv, it's a microwave."

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

That's pretty bad....for a Bad Joke administrator.

Somebody has to establish standards around here.

lmur, so gladddd to see you posting.

I don't post on this thread since I am a horrible joke teller, even other of other people's jokes. But I read along..

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Heisenberg went for a drive and got stopped by a traffic cop. The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."

Should've posted that over at geeknnerd humour, bear.

what do you call a nun who's had a sex
change?

A transister

Why are chorus girls like barge horses?

They have to tow the line!