www.advocateratesajoke.com The arbiter of humor. Look for his new book "What's Funny And What Isn't. I Decide, You Obey."
@blueveinedthrobber,
I don't care who you are. Now that's funny.
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@blueveinedthrobber,
blueveinedthrobber wrote:
It is about time that I cashed in on my unique ability (stated in the title).
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."
HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?
WIFE: "In the pool..."
***
Today I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he sneered at me I thought..
Wow that's a little condescending.
Those last two jokes were almost offensively bad . . . i salute you!
Too bad for the good jokes thread apparently!
Hehehehehe . . . sorry, Boss.
@hingehead,
facebook worthy. I'll credit you.
A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to dye her hair so she would look like a brunette.
When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.
After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,
"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.
Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,
"I can't take this, you're my friend."
But the blonde insisted saying,
"No. A bet's a bet."
Then the redhead said
"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied
"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"
@vonny,
Very good vonny. A laugh is worth its weight in gold.
A man wants to become a bell-ringer, but has no arms. So he tells the priest of his wish, but the priest says: "How can you be our bell-ringer without arms?" He replied "Arms? Who needs 'em!" So the arm-less guy runs to the top of the bell tower, and starts ringing the bell with his face, making beautiful music. Unfortunately, he misses the last note, and falls from the bell tower. A bunch of parishioners gather around him, asking: "Who is this guy?" The priest says: "I don't know, but his face rings a bell."
@vonny,
The next month another armless guy applied for the position and met the same fate. He was a dead ringer for the first one.
An 80-year-old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age you're in the best shape I've seen."
The old man replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."
The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?"
The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night."
The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?"
"Yep," the old man said, "whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."
Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said.
"I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
"He what?" she cried. "He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him?" - - - "Aha!" she exclaimed. "So he's the one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
