Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Had a bad day in Raleigh Bear?

The Apocalypse
Armageddon
or
Glenwood Ave.

You don't know the half of it

and then it got even worse

My god! They're burning cars to keep warm. This is looking kind of grim.

Q. Why can't witches have babies?

A. Because their husbands have hollow-weenies.

A religious women upon waking up each morning would open her front door stand on the porch and scream, “Praise the lord.” This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, “there is no Lord.” One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food, thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch. The next morning the lady screamed, “praise the Lord, who gave me this food.” The neighbor laughing so hard he could barely get the words out screamed “it wasn’t the Lord, it was me.” The lady without missing a beat screamed “praise the Lord for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it!!”

That, I won't argue.

...

So I gunned down 45 innocent people in Boots for her this morning but it turns out she wanted Valentines Day mascara.

One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed.

“I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied John.

“That’s incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?”

“Did I say he was dead?” asked John. “He’s 81 and is more active then ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded John.

“Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?”

“Did I say he died” asked John. Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!”

“Getting married?!” Rob asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?!

John looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to get married!"

My uncle's been very poorly, last week we tried covering him with lard, but after that he went downhill very quickly.

A Priest and a Rabbi were eating together when the priest started to tease the Rabbi.”Wow, this ham is really good” he said licking his lips.”I know it’s against your religion, but when are you going to break down and finally have some.”After a moments thought the Rabbi responded with a smile “at your wedding!”

This thread is supposed to be about "bad" jokes.

I heard another version of that:

An Irish boy and a Jewish boy grow up in the same neighborhood. The one becomes a priest, and the other a rabbi. After devoting their lives to their respective congregations, they retire. They're sitting together in the park one day, when Paddy asks Morris: "So, Mo, did you ever eat a ham sandwich?" Morris replies: "Yes, in fact i have, more than once. Did you ever get laid, Patrick?"

"Well, to tell you the truth, i did a couple of times, before the seminary, you know."

"Beats the hell out of pork, doesn't it?"