Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the
hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other,
then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest,
one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand
what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the
effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why
do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it
up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it
probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the
girl who plants the trees called in sick."

> GETTING MARRIED
>
> A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl
> across the street.
>
> The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his
> smile behind his hand. "That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought
> it out completely?"
>
> "Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the
> next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get
> scared of the dark."
>
> "How about transportation?" the father asked.
>
> "I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy
> answered.
>
> The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
>
> Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're
> married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
>
> "We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied.
>
> "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to
> step on it!"
>

A joke sure to raise the hackles of some. What tbhe hell a2k has been a little too calm lately.



>> A Somali
>> arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United
>> States.
>> He stops the first person he sees walking down the
>> street and says,
>> "Thank you Mr.
>> American for letting me in this country, giving me
>> housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free
>> education!"
>>
>> The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am
>> Mexican."
>>
>> The man goes on and encounters another
>> passerby.
>> " Thank you for having such a
>> beautiful country here in America !"
>>
>> The person says, "I not
>> American, I Vietnamese."
>>
>> The new arrival walks further, and the
>> next person he sees he stops,
>> shakes his hand and
>> says,"Thank you for the wonderful America
>> !"
>>
>> That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from
>> Middle East , I am
>> not American!"
>>
>> He finally
>> sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
>> She says, "No, I am from Africa !"
>> Puzzled, he asks her,
>> "Where are all the Americans?"
>> The African lady checks her watch
>> and says..."Probably at work."

> An army of Syrian soldiers, comprising tanks, mortar, and infantry are
> traveling down the Golan heights to attack Israel. They come over the top
> of a hill, and down below is a small Jew yelling at them: "Hey Abdul, I'm
> here and waiting. Nu, send me a few of your best."
>
> The Syrian commander angrily orders a group of infantry to attack. After
> the
> dust settles they are dead and the Jew is laughing. "That's the best you
> got? I've seen tougher soldiers by the Hadassah ladies' bazaar."
>
> Enraged, the Syrian commander turns to his top Colonel telling him to take
> a platoon of tanks and kill the pest. Again the dust settles, and again
> only the
> little Jew is left standing. "That's it?", he yells, "that's the best you
> could do? With this you'll be lucky if you could defeat a girl scout
> troop."
>
> The Syrian commander is beside himself with anger. He lines up his entire
> remaining division and gets ready to attack. Just then one of the wounded
> Syrian soldiers, lying on the battle field, lifts his head and yells to
> his
> commander, "Go back, go back! It's a trap! He has another one with him!"

Morris Cohen hoisted his schnapps glass and said, "Here's to spending
the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!"

That won him the top prize at the club for the "best toast of the
night"!

He went home and told his wife, Barbara, "I won the prize for the best
toast of the night." She said, "That's nice. . . And what was your
toast?" Morris said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, sitting
in shul (synagogue) beside my wife."

"Oh Morris, that is very nice indeed!" Barbara said.

The next day, Barbara ran into one of Morris's club buddies on the
street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Morris won the
prize the other night at the club with a toast about you, Barbara."

She said, "Sure, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time, on Yom Kippur, I had to pull him by the
ears to make him come!!!"

au is on a roll.

Yeh, and I think there's a daub of mayo on that bulkie roll, too.

> "TOGETHER"
>
> She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
>
> She married again and had 7 more children. Her second husband died.
>
> She married again and had 5 more children. Her third husband died.
>
> And, alas, she finally died, too.
>
>
> At her funeral, standing by her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
>
> He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, 'Lord, they're
> finally together.'
>
> One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he
> means
> her first, second or third husband?"
>
> The friend replied: "'I think he means her legs".

Birthday wishes


This week we celebrate a special birthday.

Monica Lewinsky turned 31.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling
around the White House on her hands and knees.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

What kind of germ lives in the arctic? A cold germ.

HEY GUYS!! KEEP ALERT AT ALL TIMES!! DON'T JUST BLURT OUT EVERYTHING!!!

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave
at him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where
he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to
his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party
that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while
your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."

Seniors at Poker"

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the
condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500
on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops
dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other
five continue playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's
going to tell his wife?"

They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs
and has to carry the news.

They tell him to be discreet; be gentle; don't make
a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever
meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and
knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks
what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband
just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.

Rene Descrates walks into a bar and orders a beer. He drinks it down. The bartender asks, "Have another one?" Descartes says, "I think not," and -- poof! -- immediately disappears.

Love those Aussies



Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job. The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good," replied the interviewer.

"And now you, sir," he asked the second man.

"Hmmm, let me see..... a blink!," said the second man.
"It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out on my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the paddock the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to the fourth man, an Australian, he posed the same question. "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhea," said the Aussie.

"What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh, I can explain," said the Aussie, "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could, think, blink, or turn on the light, I **** my pants."
He got the job...........

Two flies are sitting on a pile of dung. One farts and the other exclaims, "Do you MIND? I'm TRYING to eat.

Nominated as the world's best short joke of the year. . . . . . .

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

TWENTY DOLLARS~


On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
she needed.


Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer
was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3
million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If
I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"


That's when she shot him.

A Hasidic family is most concerned that their 30-year-old son is unmarried.
So they call a marriage broker and ask him to find their son a good wife.
The broker comes over to their house and spends a long time asking
many questions of the son and his parents as to what they want
in a wife/daughter-in-law. They give him a long shopping list of requirements.

The marriage broker takes a long time looking and finally asks to
visit the family again. He tells them of a wonderful woman he has
found. He says she's just the right age for the son... she keeps a
Glatt Kosher home...she regularly attends Shul and davens by
heart...she is a wonderful cook...she loves children and wants a
large family and, to crown it all off, she's drop-dead gorgeous.

After hearing all this, the family is very impressed and begins to
get excited about the prospects of a wedding in the near future.

But the son pauses and asks, "Is she also good in bed?"

After a long pause, the marriage broker answers, "Some say yes...some say no."

Sportman's Double

A man was sitting with an older woman at the hotel bar last night. She was in great shape for 57; they drank a bit, had a bit of a conversation and she asked if he'd ever had the Sportsman's Double - a mother and daughter threesome?

"No," he says I haven't."

They drank a bit more, and then she says that tonight was his lucky night.

They went to her room. She tapped on the connecting room's door and shouted... "Hey mom, are you awake?"!!

LOL - D, that was too good for this thread!