Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

<snort>




Nice to see you, lmur... where've you been?

In Paddyland.

How're you doing, D? Has lmur been in the games lately? I haven't seen him in ages.

Has been infrequently plus an odd other thread here and there, he has been very busy off late hence his sparse appearances.
I'm well thanks Mame, how's your weekend been?

I'll pm you, D.

A couple had only been married for two weeks the
husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out
on the town and party with his old buddies.
So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.
"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the
door to the Refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds
of beer, brands from 12 Different countries: Germany ,
Holland , Japan , India , etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that
he could think of Saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar...
You know... they have frozen Glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" ! ; She
took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at
the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...
I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven
and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings,
pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing,
dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN ****!
SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR
BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE
YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT
**** IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

And they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?

> SPAGHETTI....
> A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several
> years.
> One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she
> was
> pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would
> pay
> her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the
> child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide
> child support until the child turned 18.
>
> She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep
> it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
> "Spaghetti"
> on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
>
> One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife
> said, "Honey, you received a very strange post card today." "Oh, just
> give
> it to me and I'll explain it," he said. The wife handed him the card and
> watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.On the card
> was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one
> without"

A man and a woman who had never met before, both married to other people, through a mistake in the reservations, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly--he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and toss me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married to each other." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own f****ing blanket." After a moment of silence, he farted :-)

Nah, 'eres annuvver . . . .

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

and anuvver ....

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

. . .still going . . . .

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

. . . gotta larf yet?

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

. . . and still they keep a'coming . . .

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?" He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast ?"

nah, 'eres annuvver . . .

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well, then, is she good in bed?" "I don' t know." "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?" "Because she can still drive!"

. . . one more . . .

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

. . . 'n so on . . .

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect." "Really," answered the neighbour . "What kind is it?" "Twelve thirty."

. .p'raps this will . . . .

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

. . . ah well, jest one more. . ..!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Country Funeral

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a
typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I
saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was
nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of
the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the
workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to
do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my
heart and soul.

As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and
"Glory"! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from
Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the
workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before
and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years

A friend, a grammar nazi, went into an NYC coffee shop a few years ago and noticed the tip jar read "Tip's." He pointed out to the dimwit behind the counter that the apostrophe was not needed in the word because it made it a possessive. Her response?

"But they're my tips!"
_____________________________________

I walked into a Subway with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said,"Buy-one-get-one-free". "They are already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "So I guess they're both free." She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
__________________________________
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said,"Where?"
__________________________________
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north. Because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" My brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for some time. She shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
__________________________________
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
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My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
__________________________________
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
__________________________________
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office. I told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
__________________________________
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
__________________________________

The Blonde & The Heart Attack

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" she asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband. The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten bitch," she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!! "

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subject: noah
In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now
Living in the United States , and said, "Once again,
The earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I
See the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
Along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6
Months to build the Ark before I will start the
Unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
Weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared , "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark ?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have
Changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing
With the inspector about the need for a sprinkler
System. My neighbors claim that I've violated the
Neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my
Yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
Go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond
Be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and
Other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark 's move
To the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming
To us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
Environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights
Group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals
Against their will. They argued the accommodation was
Too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put
So many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until
They'd conducted an environmental impact study on your
Proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human
Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed
To hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization are checking the
Green-card status of most of the people who want to
Work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist
I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building
Experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets,
Claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
Years for me to finish this Ark. "

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
And a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked
Up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to
Destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord.

"The government beat me to it."

A Tale of Two Prawns

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were
swimming around in the sea; Justin and Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.


Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a
prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries
about being eaten."

A large, mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted."

There and then, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten
by his old mate. Time passed and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he
thought perhaps the fish could change him back into a
prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and,
lo and behold, found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his
friends. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides
to the enemy & became a shark," came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain , he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted: "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark,
the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed........."


"I found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian."

Bejasus, lmur, you can't get much more laboured than that!!!

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks
in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof , shoot the dog."

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return,
her father cussed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a
line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum
thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a
prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace
O this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for
$5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy,
this sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked
outside plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)...and
an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in
the Riviera."
"And....Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again,"Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant'.
Come here and give yer old man a hug!"*

Not so dumb blonde!

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer's bored, and so persists, persuading that the game is a lot of fun.

"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention; and so to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out
a five dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to
all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of researching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep

________________________________________

George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil
is waiting for him.


"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have
no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what
I am going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll
let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves".
George thought that sounded pretty good , so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy in a large pool of water.

Kennedy kept resurfacing over and over and over, gasping for air.
Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer
and a room full of rocks. All Blair did was swing the hammer, time after time, and more rocks appeared.

"No!" Bush said. "I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!"
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread
eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said. "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said."Monica, you're free to go!"

Dutchy that is hilarious and it is even more funny because that is my name,
Monica. Yes, my real name and I even get the joke.