Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning back
against the headboard, smoking a cigarette with a rather satisfied look
on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the covers, turns
away, and says, 'Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!'


If you don't get it, let me know.

Judge not and ye shall not be judged. :wink:

Why not? It makes him a contender!

A bloke's wife goes missing while on a diving holidaying on the West Australian coast.
He spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news".

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in
the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a
Bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and
Asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized
crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that......
So what's the other possible good news?

"Well", the Sarge says, "if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here
get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there
and pull her up again!

This happened between my cousin and grandfather one day in the springtime.

As my cousin was cooking a meal, she was using herbs and spices to kick the taste up a knotch. One of the spices tickled her nose and she sneezed. My grandfather says, "God bless you." to which my cousin replies, "Thanks, must be seasonal allergies."

....Oh, the pain.

oh, good, I'm always a sucker for a terrible joke, bookmark.

Will I live to be 80?

I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

Then he looked at me and asked,

"Then why do you give a sh!t?"

Thanks for starting this thread, Mame. A2K has always needed a thread like this.

This might have originated with someone like Bill Cosby during his raunchy humor period.

Two guys (in the version I heard they were black guys) were out drinking and were staggering home very late at night. They crossed a low bridge over a small river. They each decided that they needed to take a piss, which they did over the side of the bridge.
The first guy says "The water sure is cold."
The second guy responds "Yeah, and deep, too."

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in
Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the
side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the
car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent
nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally
tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo
>
> Woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently
at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a
white bag on the seat next to Sally.
>
>
>
> "What in bag?" asked the old woman.
>
>
>
> Sally looked down at the bag and said, "it's a box of
chocolates I got it for my husband".
>
>
>
> The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
>
>
>
> Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said
"Good trade."

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his
face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his
beard which is full and bushy. >>
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
hands.
"Actually, no" the man replies.
"Can you get him for me? - I need to speak to him." she asks, running
her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't." breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is
there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message." she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him
to suck them gently. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet
paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

If you don't laugh out loud at this one, call the morgue and reserve a tray, because you are dead! Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

*****************************************
From the Northern Territory News comes this story of a Nightcliffe couple who drove their car to Casaurina Shopping centre, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the parking lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband, who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Subject: The zipper


In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for the bus.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large, tall Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was friends."

Stutter.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand and says, "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty, and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say 'F**k,' the Rottweiler ate him!"

>
>-
>Three blokes - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie Engineer
>are all working together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie
>pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes
>in total" says the Genie.
>
>The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the
>land to be forever fertile in Canada." POOOOFF! With the blink of the
>Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
>
>Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan,
>Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians
can
>come into our precious state." POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the
>Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
>
>The Aussie Engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about
>this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5 000 feet high, 500
>feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or
>out; it's virtually impenetrable."
>
>
>
>
>The Aussie Engineer sits down, cracks a beer and smiles. He says; "Fill
it
>with water."

> BLIND MAN IN A BIKER BAR
>
> A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his
> way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he
> yells to the waiter "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
>
> The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
> voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, sir, I
> think
> it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five
> things:
>
> 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
> 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl
> 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
> 4. The woman sitting right next to me is blonde and a professional
> weight-lifter.
> 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
>
> Now think about it seriously, Mister.Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
>
> The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters:"No, not
> if
> I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

How are latex gloves made?

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't."
"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of
latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their
hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into
boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well, tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure,
she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"

Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!

There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their bums!

I thought the results were pretty interesting:

85% of women think their bum is too fat...

10% of women think their bum is too skinny...

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and
They would have married him anyway.

A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do
it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went. But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the
anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

A bear goes into a bar and, slamming his paw on the counter, demands a bottle of bud.

"I'm sorry sir"' replied the barman. "I don't serve bottles of bud to bears. Particularly bears who bang the bar".

The bear furiously picked up a bar-stool and threw it across the counter, smashing a mirror. "Now, how about that bottle of bud?" he roared.

The barman replied: "I'm sorry sir, as I've already said; I don't serve bottles of bud to bears. Particularly bears who bang the bar and break the bar-stools".

Apoplectic now, the beat crouches down and, opening his jaws, takes a huge chunk from the bar counter with his teeth. Tossing it side he again roared: "A BOTTLE OF BUD! NOW!"

"Now sir", said the unfailingly polite barman, "we don't serve bottles of bud to bears. Particularly bears that bang the bar, break the bar-stools and take drugs".

The bear was puzzled. "Take drugs? What do you mean, take drugs? I don't take drugs".

"I beg to differ", replied the barman. "What about that bar bit you ate?"