Really bad jokes - don't be afraid to post yours here

What do cannibals call athletes?

Fast food!

My boss asked me if I could be any less productive, so I accepted his challenge and took a nap at my desk.

Two missionaries are captured by jungle cannibals and put in the cookpot.
A nearby volcano begins erupting so the missionaries yell "Look, you've made God angry, release us and he'll calm down!"
"Rubbish" reply the cannibals, "A volcano is simply a rupture in the crust of the earth which allows hot lava, volcanic ash and gases to randomly escape from the magma chamber below the surface!"
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Even better because you told it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aY7WCX6BwYE

TIMBUKTU!

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists:
A university graduate and an old bushie. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was " TIMBUKTU ".

First to recite his poem was the university graduate.

He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan.
Men on camels, two by two.
Destination - Timbuktu .

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old bushie top that, they thought. The old bushie calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They were three, and we were two.
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu .

The old bushie won.

Somebody asks God- "Why do you sling murderers, thieves, rapists, heathens, corrupt politicians, smarmy TV evangelists, pervs, liars, religious crackpots and peedos etc into hell?"
"Because I love the smell of burning human trash in the mornings" replies God..

Now see what you've done. A fun thread despoiled.

A man walks into a bar in London and orders a pint in a faint rasping voice.
"Nasty scar on your throat mate" says the landlord, "where did you get it?"
"Falklands War" rasps the man.
"Hey everybody" says the landlord, "we've got a Falklands veteran here!", and everybody crowds round slapping his back, shaking his hand and him buying him drinks.
Later as he makes his way out the landlord says "Take this 500 pounds mate, we've just had a whipround in your honour".
"Muchas gracias senors" rasps the man, and walks out.

Now that's better. Good one.

One woman says to another, "I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that new gynecologist yet! I mean he's so young and handsome! And your gynecologist is so old!"
The other woman replies with a smile, "Yeah, I know but his hands shake all the time!"

An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.
"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"
"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.
"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"
"Charmin is $2.00 a roll and no name is 50 cents a roll."
The Indian doesn't have much money so he opts for the no name.
Within a few hours he is back at the trading post. "I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."
"Why?" asks the confused clerk.
"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap off an Indian."

A Catholic confesses to his priest- "Father, in WW2 I sheltered a shot-down German pilot in my home on condition he secretly worked as my unpaid cook, gardener and handyman and hid in my attic and never went out"
"Forget it my son" replies the priest, "that was many many years ago"
"Thank you father" replies the chap, "but just one more thing- should i tell him the war's over?"

To be Frank, I'd have to change my name.